Music

"YOUTH: You gotta fill the void with music
Fill the void with song
'Til my cup runneth over all night long

I live in vans crammed with guitars
I'll sleep on floors and play in bars
I dance to my own metronome
'Til chaos feels like home" -Passing Strange

"My music is where I want you to touch" -CSS

Okay, I've been skimping on my writing duties cuz, well I've been handing in lots of other writing (PS: I'm a Senior Intern @ Admissions and my Honors Project Application is in!)

It was when we went to the south and I sang with the kids there and sang with John (harmonizing on Amazing Grace) and when I sang When You Believe...Music is my Life. I Love to sing. I Love to dance. I Love to think I can play guirar and I adore good poetry. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad, I sing even when I don't want to because it puts good vibes into the Universe. The world is a song - it is Music in my mind.

Climbing Bersiba made me want to sing. Even though I got a massive sunburn, I adored every body aching minute.

"I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older
And keep fillin' my cup
I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older,
But I'll never grow up

And this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
No, this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
Up and down from town to town
'Til van wheels go 'round and 'round" -Passing Strange

I've never been any good at music theory, I can't sightsing, I'm no better than the girl next to me at harmonizing but when I sing, there's nothing I can't do. I know that things will be okay. I don't have to hurt myself (even writing this, I've realized that I need to shift my energy of self-injuring - emotional and otherwise - towards learning more about music, rather than transfering it to another form of self-deprecation).

When I sing, it's Home.

And maybe it's cuz my mom sang to me before birth, maybe it's because my dad has a passion for poetry, or maybe it's cuz of my family history or maybe it's just cuz I like attention (which I don't really, many more times than not...)...

...but it's my passion my calling, my vocation - if you wanna call it that. It's my soul, and it's what some others calla gift but I think the great thing is that everyone can sing. It's in all of us. I Love that people here see that. Africa is Rich with music history.

"NARRATOR:
Wish we could talk about how the means will not prepare you for the ends...
How your epiphanies become fair-weather friends...
How death will make you lower your defenses...
The only truth of youth is the grown-up consequences...

See, song is a bong,
But song cannot heal
You believed in it too long,
Now I need something more than real...
I need something more than real..." - Passing Strange

In other news...I do not want to be a sexual item anymore. I'm tired of people thinking I'm sexual because I ahve red hair. I'm tired of people telling me I can't possibly be happy with a woman (that she can't give me what I need) or that my sex with her is somehow less because it's not the 'right' way or whatever. I'm SO tired of people falling in Love with me after seconds of learning my name.

Then again...

I feel ugly if I'm passed over. I think I'm too fat if they don't want to dance with me. I think I've failed if they're NOT in Love with me.

And I mean, I think that's the thing about being a girl. There's a double desire. There's a lot going on. It's complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's my music. It's who I am.

"NARRATOR: Someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of,
Then you'll be out on your ass,
And cursing the last:

Your song is just passing for love
My song was just passing for love
And you will never see her again
And I will never see her again
And we will never see her again..." - Passing Strange