“You know what's kind of wild, Holland? At this very crossroads of time and space, more than ever before, there are so many billions of people yearning to awaken and understand the truth about themselves, their divinity, and the magic.
You know what else is kind of wild? Just as this need arose, simultaneously, all over the world, there have appeared the greatest teachers, though in far smaller numbers, who have ever graced your plane. Those who are actually living these truths, leading with the example of their lives, and healing those in need through simple conversation.
Want to know what's even more unbelievable? That you sometimes consider yourself more of the student.
All bow!
Nope, don't worry, Holland, it hasn't affected your performance. You're already a legend.” –The Universe
So, as you can see, I've been a little down on myself recently. But I want to assure you it's not taking over, I'm not 'going down' as they say...I'm just...facing challenged that were bound to come up when there are more thin women in this program and I'm not one of them. I'm looking at issues that have plagued me forever and I think it will be the next step on my way to...um...the future? It's time to look this bugger in the face. Hopefully I can make that clear in my honors proposal and next year will be my big Moment of tackling it head-on.
Here's to the next step!
<3
Friday, March 26, 2010
A Little Bit Homesick
3/25/10
“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” – William Yeats
“...’cause we were born to Love and not to hate and we can teach the world it’s not too late” –VTCC
“You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better.” – Anonymous
Explaining this week is really hard and I understand that sucks for the majority of you out there who want to know all about everything that goes on in my life here. I mean, visiting MYO (Mondesa Youth Opportunities) was eye-opening, but visiting schools always is. I was inspired by the arts teacher and I wanted to bring him to NYC. I realized that, while the arts may not be taken so seriously in the states, they do have a place in society and there are plenty of job opportunities for a student who is studying The Arts (they’re just hard to get). Here, that’s not quite as true...and yet, this teacher understood how important arts education is. He continued to do what he knew and educate himself on what he Loved. I think that’s fantastic.
On other things...
I’m gonna go ahead and say that poetry will say it best, so let’s see how this goes...
SWAKOP
Sun, Sweat, Sweet
LOVE
Long, Living, Lingers
LAUGHTER
Liberating, Lonely, Light
SOMETHING
Strong, Similar, Stylish
BODY
Big, Beautiful, But...
No one
Nothing
Never
And
Knowing
You try as hard as you can
When you look in the mirror
To change it.
“If only...”
“Well maybe...”
and
“Next year...”
But...
And it affects your mind
infests you thoughts
a little here
a little there
and then it is a mind
set
A mind
Set
on destroying your happiness
A Mind
Set
With clouds and rain
And things that are unfamiliar.
You believe
You pray
You think
Positively
But...
But there’s this and there’s that there’s no looking it in the face.
SH! Don’t say it.
SH! Don’t believe it.
SH! It will go away
But...
“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” – William Yeats
“...’cause we were born to Love and not to hate and we can teach the world it’s not too late” –VTCC
“You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better.” – Anonymous
Explaining this week is really hard and I understand that sucks for the majority of you out there who want to know all about everything that goes on in my life here. I mean, visiting MYO (Mondesa Youth Opportunities) was eye-opening, but visiting schools always is. I was inspired by the arts teacher and I wanted to bring him to NYC. I realized that, while the arts may not be taken so seriously in the states, they do have a place in society and there are plenty of job opportunities for a student who is studying The Arts (they’re just hard to get). Here, that’s not quite as true...and yet, this teacher understood how important arts education is. He continued to do what he knew and educate himself on what he Loved. I think that’s fantastic.
On other things...
I’m gonna go ahead and say that poetry will say it best, so let’s see how this goes...
SWAKOP
Sun, Sweat, Sweet
LOVE
Long, Living, Lingers
LAUGHTER
Liberating, Lonely, Light
SOMETHING
Strong, Similar, Stylish
BODY
Big, Beautiful, But...
No one
Nothing
Never
And
Knowing
You try as hard as you can
When you look in the mirror
To change it.
“If only...”
“Well maybe...”
and
“Next year...”
But...
And it affects your mind
infests you thoughts
a little here
a little there
and then it is a mind
set
A mind
Set
on destroying your happiness
A Mind
Set
With clouds and rain
And things that are unfamiliar.
You believe
You pray
You think
Positively
But...
But there’s this and there’s that there’s no looking it in the face.
SH! Don’t say it.
SH! Don’t believe it.
SH! It will go away
But...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Let's Forgive a Little, Shall We?
“Ï’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don’t Love me anymore” – India.Arie
Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.
Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?
Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.
Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.
In other news, Breathing is good.
“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.
Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...
...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe
Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.
Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?
Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.
Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.
In other news, Breathing is good.
“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.
Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...
...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe
Oo. It's getting a little sentimental in here...
Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: What the Fuck is my Life?
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.
3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe
When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.
Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.
Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.
I saw the sunset and just lost it.
I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.
THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.
And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.
WHY?
Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!
I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”
Idunno.
It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.
I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.
Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.
I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.
"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.
It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.
So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.
3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe
When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.
Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.
Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.
I saw the sunset and just lost it.
I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.
THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.
And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.
WHY?
Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!
I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”
Idunno.
It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.
I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.
Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.
I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.
"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.
It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.
So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe
Never Underestimate the Power of a Poop
That's right, folks. It's time to talk about it.
"When something difficult or painful happens, Holland, always look to
see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.
Everything makes you better" - The Universe
3/11/10
22:44 Rural Homestay time
Ok, I can now officially say, “When the going gets tough, the Holland gets tougher.”
I’ve been having a tough time with this homestay, right? I love my family SO much and I’m not cut out for this kind of life, which makes me sad because I’ve always thought I was the kind of person who could adapt: who could take on everything.
Well, I was beginning to think it was because of my weight and I was crabby and snappy to everyone, I was crying about missing home and I was utterly exhausted (sound familiar?) Well, this morning I decided I would full-on go for taking a shower. I’d wash my body, was my hair and brush my teeth.
IT.
WAS.
GLORIOUS.
I felt SO much better. Even Morgan said, “you look much happier today.”
Well, everything was going fine and I was LOVING the big tree we visited when the urge to the bathroom overtook me.
Um.
I wasn’t surprised when it was my period. I was just mad that I didn’t take the damn pads when I saw them this morning and thought, “Gee, I should really take those with me...just in case.”
So.
I went back to the house and got some pads and basically spent the afternoon with ‘my girls.’ I felt bad I didn’t cook like I was supposed to, but I got invited to Kelley’s house and well no one came to pick me up so I spent the time doing what I needed to do: not think about being female.
So, we went on this bathroom trek and I tried to flush out what had been stocked up from my period and from being to scared to use the outdoor bathroom with all it’s buggy and lizard friends (Basically, I had been irregular for 4 days).
I couldn’t.
When I got home my stomach was killing me. Not only was my body in dire need of draining fluids, but there was also a backup of poop pushing against the back of my bladder.
Ok, now I’m not gonna get into the details (Marina you can ask about it later) but afterwards, I felt SO. INCREDIBLY. RELIEVED.
It sounds silly because it’s about poop, but I conquered a real fear in that moment by adjusting a situation to fit what I needed to make happen.
It just felt like such a Moment...like an “I can do this” kind of moment. Like an “I am strong” kind of moment. Like an “I picked the Right Program” kind of Moment.
It felt good.
"When something difficult or painful happens, Holland, always look to
see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.
Everything makes you better" - The Universe
3/11/10
22:44 Rural Homestay time
Ok, I can now officially say, “When the going gets tough, the Holland gets tougher.”
I’ve been having a tough time with this homestay, right? I love my family SO much and I’m not cut out for this kind of life, which makes me sad because I’ve always thought I was the kind of person who could adapt: who could take on everything.
Well, I was beginning to think it was because of my weight and I was crabby and snappy to everyone, I was crying about missing home and I was utterly exhausted (sound familiar?) Well, this morning I decided I would full-on go for taking a shower. I’d wash my body, was my hair and brush my teeth.
IT.
WAS.
GLORIOUS.
I felt SO much better. Even Morgan said, “you look much happier today.”
Well, everything was going fine and I was LOVING the big tree we visited when the urge to the bathroom overtook me.
Um.
I wasn’t surprised when it was my period. I was just mad that I didn’t take the damn pads when I saw them this morning and thought, “Gee, I should really take those with me...just in case.”
So.
I went back to the house and got some pads and basically spent the afternoon with ‘my girls.’ I felt bad I didn’t cook like I was supposed to, but I got invited to Kelley’s house and well no one came to pick me up so I spent the time doing what I needed to do: not think about being female.
So, we went on this bathroom trek and I tried to flush out what had been stocked up from my period and from being to scared to use the outdoor bathroom with all it’s buggy and lizard friends (Basically, I had been irregular for 4 days).
I couldn’t.
When I got home my stomach was killing me. Not only was my body in dire need of draining fluids, but there was also a backup of poop pushing against the back of my bladder.
Ok, now I’m not gonna get into the details (Marina you can ask about it later) but afterwards, I felt SO. INCREDIBLY. RELIEVED.
It sounds silly because it’s about poop, but I conquered a real fear in that moment by adjusting a situation to fit what I needed to make happen.
It just felt like such a Moment...like an “I can do this” kind of moment. Like an “I am strong” kind of moment. Like an “I picked the Right Program” kind of Moment.
It felt good.
The Rural Homestay: Days 1 and 2, Synthesized
3/9/10 (Day 2)
22:41, Rural homestay time
“You say you want a revolution, well you know – we all wanna change the world...”
-The Beatles
I can’t tell what’s safe and what’s unsafe here. We’re supposed to feel a little out of our comfort zones and yet not feel threatened. Well...how does one tell the difference? I mean...I’m afraid to go to sleep because it’s a home that’s so incredibly and deeply different from mine (both in Windhoek and NYC): Is that uncomfortable or threatened? I never feel like any of my stuff is safe, but only because for the past month or so it’s been under lock and key and that’s not true here: is that uncomfortable or threatening? I don’t know how to make myself clear and I never know what’s going on: Uncomfy or threatening?
Because I can see both sides for all questions...and yet I’m laying here totally exhausted by thinking and trekking and talking and LISTENING and learning and loving and laughing and teaching (we did English today!) and on top of it all I haven’t been home for longer than a month in about oh, just about half a year. Now, that’s not 1 year or 5 years or 10 years...but ‘member that time when the longest I’d been truly away from them was like a month and a half? ‘Member how that time was RIGHT before I left for PRAGUE in the Fall?!
I’m in such an awful mood because of this too. I’m snapping at everyone like a snapping turtle. It could be cuz everyone else is like, “I wanna stay here forever” or it’s that time in the trip (month) when people start grating on you. Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be better.
"Did somebody sit her down and say Claudia, get ready, to leave behind everything you know? Everything I know. What do I know?" - In The Heights
22:41, Rural homestay time
“You say you want a revolution, well you know – we all wanna change the world...”
-The Beatles
I can’t tell what’s safe and what’s unsafe here. We’re supposed to feel a little out of our comfort zones and yet not feel threatened. Well...how does one tell the difference? I mean...I’m afraid to go to sleep because it’s a home that’s so incredibly and deeply different from mine (both in Windhoek and NYC): Is that uncomfortable or threatened? I never feel like any of my stuff is safe, but only because for the past month or so it’s been under lock and key and that’s not true here: is that uncomfortable or threatening? I don’t know how to make myself clear and I never know what’s going on: Uncomfy or threatening?
Because I can see both sides for all questions...and yet I’m laying here totally exhausted by thinking and trekking and talking and LISTENING and learning and loving and laughing and teaching (we did English today!) and on top of it all I haven’t been home for longer than a month in about oh, just about half a year. Now, that’s not 1 year or 5 years or 10 years...but ‘member that time when the longest I’d been truly away from them was like a month and a half? ‘Member how that time was RIGHT before I left for PRAGUE in the Fall?!
I’m in such an awful mood because of this too. I’m snapping at everyone like a snapping turtle. It could be cuz everyone else is like, “I wanna stay here forever” or it’s that time in the trip (month) when people start grating on you. Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be better.
"Did somebody sit her down and say Claudia, get ready, to leave behind everything you know? Everything I know. What do I know?" - In The Heights
Friday, March 5, 2010
Just a heads up...
For the next 3 weeks I will have very limited internet access. Sit tight: I will keep a journal. I will probs keep updating in the same fashion I have been on this blog (publish a WHOLE bunch at once!)
LOVE!
Holland
P.S. For those of you out there still 'staying tune; thanks for reading!!!!
LOVE!
Holland
P.S. For those of you out there still 'staying tune; thanks for reading!!!!
AIDS WALK NYC: Please please spon-sor-me!
Apparently, there are a lot of laws that aren’t being implemented. Children don’t know their rights, people with HIV or AIDs don’t know about their rights and they’re all being taken advantage of. Many are illiterate so when a doctor decides to ‘spay’ a woman who comes in for a normal test/procedure, he can sign away her right to have kids along with it.
The whites are now in the minority (though they’ve always been the numerical minority) and they’re ‘complaining’ that there aren’t enough of ‘them’ represented in parliament, or whatever. But they own the majority of the wealth and so they have power in that way. People are still cramped, there are no building codes and many children don’t have lights at night to do their homework.
I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. For the first time in my life, I wanna go back to class. I wanna go back to America where we’ve got problems of our own. I don’t want to try to fix these problems out here anymore. It’s not my place.
And that's only part of why this year I'm very excited and pleased to announce that I'm writing for donations via my school's computer IN AFRICA! Not to Brag, but IT'S PRETTY DARN COOL!!!!
We arrived first in Johannesburg, South Africa, about a month ago...I mean, a month and half ago now. Wow. Okay, so we arrived in Jo'burg in the middle of January and immediately learned about the concept of UBUNTU: I am a human being because of other human beings. I walk in the way of all of humanity: we are all human, we are all living on earth, we are all part of something we can't quite explain but we are here. At the Human Genom Sequencing Project (where I met Desmond Tutu; no big deal) they said we are all African but in fact we are all Pangean. Welcome Home.
To give you the short version of my trip so far (and you can catch up with us in detail at cgenamibia.blogspot.com or my personal blog, acrabgolfin.blogspot.com): I remember the way our homestay families took us in as one of their own, with no signs of bitterness or anger. I remember the smiles and hugs from staff and students that went along with homesickness, happiness and learning about some really complicated history. I remember climbing Dune 7 and then the next day quadbiking over the same terrain and being so proud of myself for continuing, even when I felt frustrated or scared. And I remember thinking, throughout all of it, "Wow. This year's AIDS Walk is going to be profoundly different."
As many of you know because of recent emails, I'm interning here in Namibia with an organization called OYO: Ombetja Yehinga Organization. That is the Otijherero term for "Red Ribbon." I'm splitting my time between them and the AIDS Care Trust in Katutura. They've appointed me as the head of a new project at ACT: I'm going to create an Arts section for their afterschool program in Katatura. Along with this, I'm doing research about the sucess of arts programs for OYO's funding. I've been trying to learn more about fundraising because I know it's something I'm going to have to get really good at if I'm going to work in public service jobs (which, let's face it, that's just where I'm headed). Aaaaaand on that note...!
Let's put UBUNTU into action. Let's raise more money than ever this year. Let's make a difference all together.
Follow This Link to visit my personal web page OR click on the link to our group page, THE WOODEN SHOE and support the WHOLE GROUP!
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Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk New York and for helping to put an end to this epidemic.
The whites are now in the minority (though they’ve always been the numerical minority) and they’re ‘complaining’ that there aren’t enough of ‘them’ represented in parliament, or whatever. But they own the majority of the wealth and so they have power in that way. People are still cramped, there are no building codes and many children don’t have lights at night to do their homework.
I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. For the first time in my life, I wanna go back to class. I wanna go back to America where we’ve got problems of our own. I don’t want to try to fix these problems out here anymore. It’s not my place.
And that's only part of why this year I'm very excited and pleased to announce that I'm writing for donations via my school's computer IN AFRICA! Not to Brag, but IT'S PRETTY DARN COOL!!!!
We arrived first in Johannesburg, South Africa, about a month ago...I mean, a month and half ago now. Wow. Okay, so we arrived in Jo'burg in the middle of January and immediately learned about the concept of UBUNTU: I am a human being because of other human beings. I walk in the way of all of humanity: we are all human, we are all living on earth, we are all part of something we can't quite explain but we are here. At the Human Genom Sequencing Project (where I met Desmond Tutu; no big deal) they said we are all African but in fact we are all Pangean. Welcome Home.
To give you the short version of my trip so far (and you can catch up with us in detail at cgenamibia.blogspot.com or my personal blog, acrabgolfin.blogspot.com): I remember the way our homestay families took us in as one of their own, with no signs of bitterness or anger. I remember the smiles and hugs from staff and students that went along with homesickness, happiness and learning about some really complicated history. I remember climbing Dune 7 and then the next day quadbiking over the same terrain and being so proud of myself for continuing, even when I felt frustrated or scared. And I remember thinking, throughout all of it, "Wow. This year's AIDS Walk is going to be profoundly different."
As many of you know because of recent emails, I'm interning here in Namibia with an organization called OYO: Ombetja Yehinga Organization. That is the Otijherero term for "Red Ribbon." I'm splitting my time between them and the AIDS Care Trust in Katutura. They've appointed me as the head of a new project at ACT: I'm going to create an Arts section for their afterschool program in Katatura. Along with this, I'm doing research about the sucess of arts programs for OYO's funding. I've been trying to learn more about fundraising because I know it's something I'm going to have to get really good at if I'm going to work in public service jobs (which, let's face it, that's just where I'm headed). Aaaaaand on that note...!
Let's put UBUNTU into action. Let's raise more money than ever this year. Let's make a difference all together.
Follow This Link to visit my personal web page OR click on the link to our group page, THE WOODEN SHOE and support the WHOLE GROUP!
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Some email systems do not support the use of links and therefore this link may not appear to work. If so, copy and paste the following into your browser:
http://aidswalknewyork2010.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=331281&u=331281-72256885&e=3194974263
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Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk New York and for helping to put an end to this epidemic.
Someone up there must like me...
Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: In the best possible sense of the question, What the Fuck is My Life?!?
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
3/4/10
When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher.
Well, when the going gets tough...I’ve notices...I want to run and hide.
Now, I haven’t this year. I really haven’t. As I’ve explained to multiple people this year, if I was afraid of challenges I wouldn’t be spending the whole year abroad – in TWO different places.
But, I’ve noticed that my absolute first instinct is to stop talking, shut down, cry in a dark place and try to smile about it afterwards.
Well, in a house of 17 people...that doesn’t really work. So, I’m...not running away. In fact, most of the time I run head first straight into the problem: the only way out is through. That’s a BIG lesson I’ve learned this year. The absolute ONLY way out is thru: one step at a time.
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
3/4/10
When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher.
Well, when the going gets tough...I’ve notices...I want to run and hide.
Now, I haven’t this year. I really haven’t. As I’ve explained to multiple people this year, if I was afraid of challenges I wouldn’t be spending the whole year abroad – in TWO different places.
But, I’ve noticed that my absolute first instinct is to stop talking, shut down, cry in a dark place and try to smile about it afterwards.
Well, in a house of 17 people...that doesn’t really work. So, I’m...not running away. In fact, most of the time I run head first straight into the problem: the only way out is through. That’s a BIG lesson I’ve learned this year. The absolute ONLY way out is thru: one step at a time.
What a Weekend!
2/28/10
Okay. I don’t even know how to explain the Swakop weekend, so I’m just gonna start at the beginning.
The Beginning.
Okay.
So, we left on Wednesday. Um, I had just spoke to Laura on skype, which I loved but I realized it made me miss her more. Wednesday, I was barely ready and packed for leaving at 2pm. We start the drive and I’m almost sad to leave but I’m SO excited to go somewhere different!
We get there and immediately go to the beach which freaked me out because I LOVED it and I HATE beaches! It was a real beach though, with real sand and no glass or syringes. It was hard to explain to people who’d never been to Coney Island why I didn’t enjoy the beach so much.
We went out to dinner at this cute little place where we watched the sun go down and waited a long time for food. We wanted to drink wine on the beach but nothing was open by the time we left The Lighthouse. So we just went to the beach and hung out. I was still a little homesick over Laura and talked some peoples’ ears off about it.
The next morning we got an early start at 8am and went on a tour of the area as well as a couple of surrounding areas. We got to see the school named after our Politics professor, Urbanus B. Dax Primary School and had lunch there. We got to see Passat, our driver’s, house and that night we drank wine on the beach: BEST. IDEA. EVER.
Friday was a little later, 8:30am. The highlight of the speakrer, I think, were the people who showed us around the Fish Factory: hilarious women (one man)!!!!
Then.
We climbed.
DUNE 7.
Dune 7 is one of the highest sand dunes in the world. I didn’t think I was gonna make it to the top because as you climb sand, it comes back down on you. Well, I had a mini-breakdown (basically a little cry) over my body. I’ve definitely gained weight since I got here and I’m not eating as well as I should and we’ve barely had enough time to write our papers, let alone join a gym. So I sat on the top of the dune and cried about still hating my body, for still feeling last if I don’t deserve anyone or anything, all because I’m so incredibly fat (as if that matters to anyone or anything I want in my life!)
It was a good Moment, though, because it reminded me there’s still work to do and I have friends here who are willing and able to help me as I work on it!
Friday night we got Sushi and Cake and then went to bed.
SATURDAY!!!!
Ok, it started by getting up and going to DESERT EXPLORERS, where I QUADBIKED and SANDBOARDED. The quadbiking scared the crap out of me. The sandboarding scared me but it wasn’t as dangerous and I could take breaks in between as I climbed back up the dune to ride it down again. On the way back, we had to go fast because of what we were riding and I kept having trouble turning which kept scaring me and made out tour guide have to come back for me more than several times.
Finally, after almost crying and giving up (to which I said “No. Let’s keep going”), I realized that this was the Big Test of my confidence: “Don’t let the bike control you” our tour guide told me. This was the Moment – the crash course – of believing in myself and taking control of a situation that was overwhelming me. I stuck it out, the trail got a little easier and I screamed for Joy when we got back on the road to the Desert Explorers Headquarters. Had to buy the shirt. Had to get a beer with the crew after – the first sip was like heaven, like being reborn, like a whole new world, life being given to me. I was so happy to be alive.
We hung out at the beach after that, then we went to a restaurant for dinner, went out and partied as if we weren’t going home the next day.
YES YES YES! ASE! Oh baby bring it ALL to me!
Okay. I don’t even know how to explain the Swakop weekend, so I’m just gonna start at the beginning.
The Beginning.
Okay.
So, we left on Wednesday. Um, I had just spoke to Laura on skype, which I loved but I realized it made me miss her more. Wednesday, I was barely ready and packed for leaving at 2pm. We start the drive and I’m almost sad to leave but I’m SO excited to go somewhere different!
We get there and immediately go to the beach which freaked me out because I LOVED it and I HATE beaches! It was a real beach though, with real sand and no glass or syringes. It was hard to explain to people who’d never been to Coney Island why I didn’t enjoy the beach so much.
We went out to dinner at this cute little place where we watched the sun go down and waited a long time for food. We wanted to drink wine on the beach but nothing was open by the time we left The Lighthouse. So we just went to the beach and hung out. I was still a little homesick over Laura and talked some peoples’ ears off about it.
The next morning we got an early start at 8am and went on a tour of the area as well as a couple of surrounding areas. We got to see the school named after our Politics professor, Urbanus B. Dax Primary School and had lunch there. We got to see Passat, our driver’s, house and that night we drank wine on the beach: BEST. IDEA. EVER.
Friday was a little later, 8:30am. The highlight of the speakrer, I think, were the people who showed us around the Fish Factory: hilarious women (one man)!!!!
Then.
We climbed.
DUNE 7.
Dune 7 is one of the highest sand dunes in the world. I didn’t think I was gonna make it to the top because as you climb sand, it comes back down on you. Well, I had a mini-breakdown (basically a little cry) over my body. I’ve definitely gained weight since I got here and I’m not eating as well as I should and we’ve barely had enough time to write our papers, let alone join a gym. So I sat on the top of the dune and cried about still hating my body, for still feeling last if I don’t deserve anyone or anything, all because I’m so incredibly fat (as if that matters to anyone or anything I want in my life!)
It was a good Moment, though, because it reminded me there’s still work to do and I have friends here who are willing and able to help me as I work on it!
Friday night we got Sushi and Cake and then went to bed.
SATURDAY!!!!
Ok, it started by getting up and going to DESERT EXPLORERS, where I QUADBIKED and SANDBOARDED. The quadbiking scared the crap out of me. The sandboarding scared me but it wasn’t as dangerous and I could take breaks in between as I climbed back up the dune to ride it down again. On the way back, we had to go fast because of what we were riding and I kept having trouble turning which kept scaring me and made out tour guide have to come back for me more than several times.
Finally, after almost crying and giving up (to which I said “No. Let’s keep going”), I realized that this was the Big Test of my confidence: “Don’t let the bike control you” our tour guide told me. This was the Moment – the crash course – of believing in myself and taking control of a situation that was overwhelming me. I stuck it out, the trail got a little easier and I screamed for Joy when we got back on the road to the Desert Explorers Headquarters. Had to buy the shirt. Had to get a beer with the crew after – the first sip was like heaven, like being reborn, like a whole new world, life being given to me. I was so happy to be alive.
We hung out at the beach after that, then we went to a restaurant for dinner, went out and partied as if we weren’t going home the next day.
YES YES YES! ASE! Oh baby bring it ALL to me!
A Lil' Poetry
2/14/10
The choruses of “NARODNI TRIDA” still ring in my head. I wonder if “Ee-ya-ee-bumba-whey” will ring true this long.
The only thing now is truth. I have to be honest – to not be....
Last semester was a whirlwind of tears
This semester feels like it’s taken years
To get to.
And yet I’m still complaining
About this and that
Still looking in the mirror thinking
“God I look so fucking Fat.”
I’m still TALKING about the past. I still feel like it’s not
the Last.
I look at my future and I know what’s in store
But will it be amazing
Or will it be a bore?
[I’m still writing poetry a trait you might find
Comes naturally to people
Of my kind]
But I’m not so great at it
Like Hope or like Mina
It just is what it is
Writing verse is like ... eyugh!
It’s silly I know
To rhyme like I do
Aren’t I 20?
Isn’t it time for Anew?
Well I am in Africa.
That is a fact.
With a big sign saying
LOVE ME!
Displayed on my back.
I wish I knew the answer
I wish it were straight
But you know me
Always too many things on my plate.
The choruses of “NARODNI TRIDA” still ring in my head. I wonder if “Ee-ya-ee-bumba-whey” will ring true this long.
The only thing now is truth. I have to be honest – to not be....
Last semester was a whirlwind of tears
This semester feels like it’s taken years
To get to.
And yet I’m still complaining
About this and that
Still looking in the mirror thinking
“God I look so fucking Fat.”
I’m still TALKING about the past. I still feel like it’s not
the Last.
I look at my future and I know what’s in store
But will it be amazing
Or will it be a bore?
[I’m still writing poetry a trait you might find
Comes naturally to people
Of my kind]
But I’m not so great at it
Like Hope or like Mina
It just is what it is
Writing verse is like ... eyugh!
It’s silly I know
To rhyme like I do
Aren’t I 20?
Isn’t it time for Anew?
Well I am in Africa.
That is a fact.
With a big sign saying
LOVE ME!
Displayed on my back.
I wish I knew the answer
I wish it were straight
But you know me
Always too many things on my plate.
It's that time...
2/12/10
Thank the Lord and all the Spirits watching over me! I am not going crazy I just got my period!!!!!!!
It means so much more than getting my period because what it means is that this ssemester is ENTIRELY different than last semester. It means I’ve let go. It means no more 3-month stress gaps between periods! It means I’m Breathing. It means I’m Loving. It means I’m GROWING! I’m becoming a bigger, badder, more comfortable me!
There are no words to explain how happy this makes me.
Thank the Lord and all the Spirits watching over me! I am not going crazy I just got my period!!!!!!!
It means so much more than getting my period because what it means is that this ssemester is ENTIRELY different than last semester. It means I’ve let go. It means no more 3-month stress gaps between periods! It means I’m Breathing. It means I’m Loving. It means I’m GROWING! I’m becoming a bigger, badder, more comfortable me!
There are no words to explain how happy this makes me.
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