Oo. It's getting a little sentimental in here...

Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: What the Fuck is my Life?

1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.

3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe


When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.

Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.

Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.

I saw the sunset and just lost it.

I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.

THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.

And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.

WHY?

Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!

I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”

Idunno.

It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.

I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.

Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.

I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.

"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.

It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.

So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe