“Ï’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don’t Love me anymore” – India.Arie
Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.
Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?
Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.
Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.
In other news, Breathing is good.
“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.
Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...
...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe
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the india.arie song is a georgous lyric and one of my favorites...but give mr don henley, the songwriter and member of the eagles the writing credit please!!! i have the album if you wanna put the original on yer tunes!!!
ReplyDeletelove
your father