Rain That's Needed

"Be the Love, Holland, you wish to see in the world. Turn it up," - The Universe

"Sometimes rain that's needed falls" - The Weepies

4/23/10 Noonish, Habitat Place

So, a year abroad. I've been to so many places, I've met so many people, I've eaten foods that I never thought I would eat and I've expereienced some amazing cultural differences that have changed me in ways I can't even begin to describe.

So, the question is: what amI going to do differently when I go home? Is anything going to change? Is a year long enough to do some lasting good?

Well, now is a fantastic time for A. LIST!

Here are some of the things I want to do when I get back home:

KEEP UP THE CONFIDENCE

I may have gone up and down about weight and Love but essentially I kept loving myself, I kept giving myself the Benny 5, I kept trusting that I'd be all right - though, in all honesty I had to if I didn't want to spend thousands of dollars on an earlier flight home.

I allowed myself to get carried awayand just pushed thruthe shitty times. So, my advice to myself is as such: just know that shitty times won't last forever. Neither will good times.

I've learned that I don't need to take every single thing anyone says to heart and I've learned to look at the underlying conditions surrounding what they do chose to say. Most importantly: the things someone says and who they are as an individual are two completely different things. If you can separate them and recognize 'this person is making me feel this way right now but that doesn't make them a terrible person and I have Love for them anyway.' ...if you can do that your own self-confidene will grow and you will ahve more Love and Patience for yourself as well.

DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYTHING YOU EAT OR DRINK

NYC is a metropolis. Millions of people live there and millions would kill to live there. Do not rush your food. Try new foods - EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don't think that not eating meat should keep you from experiencing other cultures' foods.

You are so lucky to have zillions of options for what to eat and you can chose to eat healthy or not, but either way - enjoy every single minute of your eating experience. DO NOT TAKE FOOD OR DRINK FOR GRANTED.

TRAVEL!

Home will be there and will get even better every time you return. You've oinly got this time with these people in this specific life, so stop worrying about money and JUST. GO.

And: get to know your OWN DAMN COUNTRY. Yes, the world abroad is fascinating and many times completely different but you've only been to about 10 or possibly less of the states that YOU LIVE IN!

DON'T FORGET TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF. TODAY.

You Love doing things for other people. There's no denying that that's a good thing for them and for you. But please remember that 'you time' is not optional. It's not selfish, it's not bad and it doesn't have to be all the time. Just try to find one little thing every day that you can celebrate for yourself. Hell, celebrate yourself. Have a piece of pie, take a catnap, sing...just do something you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Once a day - it's just what the doctor ordered.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO EMBRACE YOUR WILDEST PASSIONS

Go to beauty school, make the movie you've always wanted to make about body image, spend 2 years at LLAMDA, get off your ass and DO something about not having ur driver's liscence, teach, go on auditions, direct even though it scares you, bartend because you know you want to, screw people who say waiting tables sucks do it because you love people, go to law school even if you think you're not smart enough or because you don't neccesarily want to be a lawyer, design clothing, drive a bus, DANCE...

You have so many different passions, and as this year has evidenced clearly, even if you're not sure you want to do it, the experience of doing it - even for a little while - can change. your. life.

This summer is officially the SUMMER OF SELF-LOVE. And after this year, I'm pretty sure I have the tools to finally work that LIKE. NO. OTHER!



"...if the big picture is rocking you, Holland, why make a fuss over a few splots? Splots is now a word. Literally, as in now now." - The Universe

Behind the Music

"Every day I build a mask up to the task now there's no real me ..." -Passing Strange

Some people need to self-pity in public. It makes them feel better. I've never been one to cry in public. I think that by taking care of myself in private, I'm much stronger.

There's something to be said for that, I suppose.

I just think that I should trust people more. I eman, when I do open up I usually get a perspective I couldn't have thought of when I was just in my head. And even when it's uncomfy or I think I'm being patronized (or that I'm patronizing...or that
I'm acting like a child) I still usually learn something and if anything else, it makes me feel better.

And yet...

I can count on my hand how many people in this world have seen me REALYL cry - not just tear up or get kinda sad and walk away- snotridden, screaming and punching upset.

I know I'm just tired and I should go to bed but you know, it's troublesome that when my defenses are down my problems still include hating myself and wanting a sharp object. That's something I don't think I CAN talk about on this trip and I don't want to have to see a therapist my entire life...

What I didn't say was that I hide behind the music. I hide behind the character..."And I'm blessed to entertain The crowd laughs and swoonsIt's loud guitars and champagne And I sleep well past noon But I've got a lot to explain
To myself, not to you Like, who lost track of her pain While working their wound?"
-Passing Strange

And then there are days like today. I finish a paper, I have a FANTASTIC talk with someone I didn't know as well and I feel bloody fantastic. Okay, maybe I haven't showered in a little while and perhaps I'm ready to just fall into the pillow and sleep for 5 weeks...but...it's a balancing act, neh? It's moving from moment to moment and knowing that sadness is just as important as hapiness. There's something to be said for the fact that so many people see me as confident. I may not feel it, but I am who I am. I do fall asleep every night knowing that and maybe it's a good thing that people see that, rather than me having to fight to make them see that. Maybe I should just trust them...oooh buzz word...maybe the next challenge for me is Trust.

"So I finally found a home
Between the clicks a metronome
And the song, you see" - Passing Strange

Music

"YOUTH: You gotta fill the void with music
Fill the void with song
'Til my cup runneth over all night long

I live in vans crammed with guitars
I'll sleep on floors and play in bars
I dance to my own metronome
'Til chaos feels like home" -Passing Strange

"My music is where I want you to touch" -CSS

Okay, I've been skimping on my writing duties cuz, well I've been handing in lots of other writing (PS: I'm a Senior Intern @ Admissions and my Honors Project Application is in!)

It was when we went to the south and I sang with the kids there and sang with John (harmonizing on Amazing Grace) and when I sang When You Believe...Music is my Life. I Love to sing. I Love to dance. I Love to think I can play guirar and I adore good poetry. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad, I sing even when I don't want to because it puts good vibes into the Universe. The world is a song - it is Music in my mind.

Climbing Bersiba made me want to sing. Even though I got a massive sunburn, I adored every body aching minute.

"I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older
And keep fillin' my cup
I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older,
But I'll never grow up

And this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
No, this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
Up and down from town to town
'Til van wheels go 'round and 'round" -Passing Strange

I've never been any good at music theory, I can't sightsing, I'm no better than the girl next to me at harmonizing but when I sing, there's nothing I can't do. I know that things will be okay. I don't have to hurt myself (even writing this, I've realized that I need to shift my energy of self-injuring - emotional and otherwise - towards learning more about music, rather than transfering it to another form of self-deprecation).

When I sing, it's Home.

And maybe it's cuz my mom sang to me before birth, maybe it's because my dad has a passion for poetry, or maybe it's cuz of my family history or maybe it's just cuz I like attention (which I don't really, many more times than not...)...

...but it's my passion my calling, my vocation - if you wanna call it that. It's my soul, and it's what some others calla gift but I think the great thing is that everyone can sing. It's in all of us. I Love that people here see that. Africa is Rich with music history.

"NARRATOR:
Wish we could talk about how the means will not prepare you for the ends...
How your epiphanies become fair-weather friends...
How death will make you lower your defenses...
The only truth of youth is the grown-up consequences...

See, song is a bong,
But song cannot heal
You believed in it too long,
Now I need something more than real...
I need something more than real..." - Passing Strange

In other news...I do not want to be a sexual item anymore. I'm tired of people thinking I'm sexual because I ahve red hair. I'm tired of people telling me I can't possibly be happy with a woman (that she can't give me what I need) or that my sex with her is somehow less because it's not the 'right' way or whatever. I'm SO tired of people falling in Love with me after seconds of learning my name.

Then again...

I feel ugly if I'm passed over. I think I'm too fat if they don't want to dance with me. I think I've failed if they're NOT in Love with me.

And I mean, I think that's the thing about being a girl. There's a double desire. There's a lot going on. It's complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's my music. It's who I am.

"NARRATOR: Someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of,
Then you'll be out on your ass,
And cursing the last:

Your song is just passing for love
My song was just passing for love
And you will never see her again
And I will never see her again
And we will never see her again..." - Passing Strange

Truth...as best as I can tell it.

3/30/10

“I release. I set it free. The good comes right back to me” - Sung by Rachel Hollander

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. So I did it. I taught a legitimate, coherent dance class! This weekend I was so stressed and then I just went in, started and even the teachers wanted to learn how to salsa! The kids were practicing, even though we had moved on to another activity! I think I just needed one awkward first class to get me going. Then again, I learned a lot from MYO and I learned from my research yesterday morning.

Okay, so also, Harry – the guy at my internship who reminds me of Kyle – asked me if I was interested in being a part of an artistic thing about HIV and AIDS!!!!

So, while I hate to admit it, inspiration hit me during class today:

HIV
Affects you and me
It’s an ‘us’
Kind of problem
Why can’t they see?
Black, white,
Yellow, red,
Gay, straight
Bi or
Whatever
It’s affecting
Us all and
It could be
Forever.
If we don’t do something
Now to change it
Speak up, speak out, educate. Rearrange it.

***

So, I forgot to mention that during my rural homestay I worked in the fields. I ‘harvested’ as my grandma called it. It was really, really hard and really, really painful and really, really hot. I don’t think I ever thought it was easy and I’m pretty sure I knew I’d never be good at any kind of farming because I’m such a city girl...
HOWEVER
I realized why people used to sing in the south during slavery in the United States. Singing is probably the only way I’d ever get through a whole day of that kind of work. I think that’s what intrigues me about music – it’s what draws me to music. It has a healing power – a re-energizing power. It just has POWER. I love it.

What else I think is interesting is several people on our program have told me the one thing they really wish they could do is sing and I understand why, though I think anyone can sing (ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WITH PRACTICE)...but it’s the highest form of expression I think and I think we all have music within us. I think it’s the true voice of our inner selves. Think about it: the first thing a baby learned how to do is cry, neh? Crying is singing. It’s music without lyrics. It comes from the soul.

So...
Back to today.

I got to see Alvin again. YAY! I missed him. Then, this evening I went to a seder – at an orthodox temple!!! IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!!!

I thought it would make me really homesick but it actually made me so relieved to be around Jewish people again and have another common language besides English (Hebrew). I didn’t think about it before, but going with non-Jews made me realize just how much I really DO know about Judaism and how much Love I have for the customs and traditions.

We met this amazing couple from Israel who SO kindly showed us around and talked us through stuff. I even taught a little Hebrew to my friends!

One guy came up tome and said, “Are you Jewish?” I told him yes. He said, “I could tell.” And he was telling all the other guys (in Hebrew), “See? I told you, she’s Jewish.”For the first time someone knew. I’ve always had to explain the disconnect between the way I look and the culture I grew up with. “Well my mom’s Jewish, but my dad’s not and I take after his Irish looks, but he’s big on being educated about all kinds of religions, so I’ve kind of celebrated everything and...”

But this guy didn’t associate it with ‘race’ or any kind of looks, he just knew. He could feel that I was passionate about celebrating something that connected me strongly to home. I don’t celebrate because I look Jewish, I celebrate because I like being around friends and family – Jewish or not. I like sharing food, songs and laughter. I like to see how others react to the food and I even like cooking (sometimes). Somehow, he got that.

That made me feel good.

“All the Love. All the Light. All the God that’s within me.” –Sung by Rachel Hollander