Behind the Music

"Every day I build a mask up to the task now there's no real me ..." -Passing Strange

Some people need to self-pity in public. It makes them feel better. I've never been one to cry in public. I think that by taking care of myself in private, I'm much stronger.

There's something to be said for that, I suppose.

I just think that I should trust people more. I eman, when I do open up I usually get a perspective I couldn't have thought of when I was just in my head. And even when it's uncomfy or I think I'm being patronized (or that I'm patronizing...or that
I'm acting like a child) I still usually learn something and if anything else, it makes me feel better.

And yet...

I can count on my hand how many people in this world have seen me REALYL cry - not just tear up or get kinda sad and walk away- snotridden, screaming and punching upset.

I know I'm just tired and I should go to bed but you know, it's troublesome that when my defenses are down my problems still include hating myself and wanting a sharp object. That's something I don't think I CAN talk about on this trip and I don't want to have to see a therapist my entire life...

What I didn't say was that I hide behind the music. I hide behind the character..."And I'm blessed to entertain The crowd laughs and swoonsIt's loud guitars and champagne And I sleep well past noon But I've got a lot to explain
To myself, not to you Like, who lost track of her pain While working their wound?"
-Passing Strange

And then there are days like today. I finish a paper, I have a FANTASTIC talk with someone I didn't know as well and I feel bloody fantastic. Okay, maybe I haven't showered in a little while and perhaps I'm ready to just fall into the pillow and sleep for 5 weeks...but...it's a balancing act, neh? It's moving from moment to moment and knowing that sadness is just as important as hapiness. There's something to be said for the fact that so many people see me as confident. I may not feel it, but I am who I am. I do fall asleep every night knowing that and maybe it's a good thing that people see that, rather than me having to fight to make them see that. Maybe I should just trust them...oooh buzz word...maybe the next challenge for me is Trust.

"So I finally found a home
Between the clicks a metronome
And the song, you see" - Passing Strange