Behind the Music

"Every day I build a mask up to the task now there's no real me ..." -Passing Strange

Some people need to self-pity in public. It makes them feel better. I've never been one to cry in public. I think that by taking care of myself in private, I'm much stronger.

There's something to be said for that, I suppose.

I just think that I should trust people more. I eman, when I do open up I usually get a perspective I couldn't have thought of when I was just in my head. And even when it's uncomfy or I think I'm being patronized (or that I'm patronizing...or that
I'm acting like a child) I still usually learn something and if anything else, it makes me feel better.

And yet...

I can count on my hand how many people in this world have seen me REALYL cry - not just tear up or get kinda sad and walk away- snotridden, screaming and punching upset.

I know I'm just tired and I should go to bed but you know, it's troublesome that when my defenses are down my problems still include hating myself and wanting a sharp object. That's something I don't think I CAN talk about on this trip and I don't want to have to see a therapist my entire life...

What I didn't say was that I hide behind the music. I hide behind the character..."And I'm blessed to entertain The crowd laughs and swoonsIt's loud guitars and champagne And I sleep well past noon But I've got a lot to explain
To myself, not to you Like, who lost track of her pain While working their wound?"
-Passing Strange

And then there are days like today. I finish a paper, I have a FANTASTIC talk with someone I didn't know as well and I feel bloody fantastic. Okay, maybe I haven't showered in a little while and perhaps I'm ready to just fall into the pillow and sleep for 5 weeks...but...it's a balancing act, neh? It's moving from moment to moment and knowing that sadness is just as important as hapiness. There's something to be said for the fact that so many people see me as confident. I may not feel it, but I am who I am. I do fall asleep every night knowing that and maybe it's a good thing that people see that, rather than me having to fight to make them see that. Maybe I should just trust them...oooh buzz word...maybe the next challenge for me is Trust.

"So I finally found a home
Between the clicks a metronome
And the song, you see" - Passing Strange

Music

"YOUTH: You gotta fill the void with music
Fill the void with song
'Til my cup runneth over all night long

I live in vans crammed with guitars
I'll sleep on floors and play in bars
I dance to my own metronome
'Til chaos feels like home" -Passing Strange

"My music is where I want you to touch" -CSS

Okay, I've been skimping on my writing duties cuz, well I've been handing in lots of other writing (PS: I'm a Senior Intern @ Admissions and my Honors Project Application is in!)

It was when we went to the south and I sang with the kids there and sang with John (harmonizing on Amazing Grace) and when I sang When You Believe...Music is my Life. I Love to sing. I Love to dance. I Love to think I can play guirar and I adore good poetry. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad, I sing even when I don't want to because it puts good vibes into the Universe. The world is a song - it is Music in my mind.

Climbing Bersiba made me want to sing. Even though I got a massive sunburn, I adored every body aching minute.

"I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older
And keep fillin' my cup
I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older,
But I'll never grow up

And this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
No, this is not a passing phase!

OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...

YOUTH:
Up and down from town to town
'Til van wheels go 'round and 'round" -Passing Strange

I've never been any good at music theory, I can't sightsing, I'm no better than the girl next to me at harmonizing but when I sing, there's nothing I can't do. I know that things will be okay. I don't have to hurt myself (even writing this, I've realized that I need to shift my energy of self-injuring - emotional and otherwise - towards learning more about music, rather than transfering it to another form of self-deprecation).

When I sing, it's Home.

And maybe it's cuz my mom sang to me before birth, maybe it's because my dad has a passion for poetry, or maybe it's cuz of my family history or maybe it's just cuz I like attention (which I don't really, many more times than not...)...

...but it's my passion my calling, my vocation - if you wanna call it that. It's my soul, and it's what some others calla gift but I think the great thing is that everyone can sing. It's in all of us. I Love that people here see that. Africa is Rich with music history.

"NARRATOR:
Wish we could talk about how the means will not prepare you for the ends...
How your epiphanies become fair-weather friends...
How death will make you lower your defenses...
The only truth of youth is the grown-up consequences...

See, song is a bong,
But song cannot heal
You believed in it too long,
Now I need something more than real...
I need something more than real..." - Passing Strange

In other news...I do not want to be a sexual item anymore. I'm tired of people thinking I'm sexual because I ahve red hair. I'm tired of people telling me I can't possibly be happy with a woman (that she can't give me what I need) or that my sex with her is somehow less because it's not the 'right' way or whatever. I'm SO tired of people falling in Love with me after seconds of learning my name.

Then again...

I feel ugly if I'm passed over. I think I'm too fat if they don't want to dance with me. I think I've failed if they're NOT in Love with me.

And I mean, I think that's the thing about being a girl. There's a double desire. There's a lot going on. It's complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's my music. It's who I am.

"NARRATOR: Someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of,
Then you'll be out on your ass,
And cursing the last:

Your song is just passing for love
My song was just passing for love
And you will never see her again
And I will never see her again
And we will never see her again..." - Passing Strange

Truth...as best as I can tell it.

3/30/10

“I release. I set it free. The good comes right back to me” - Sung by Rachel Hollander

Oh my god. OH MY GOD. So I did it. I taught a legitimate, coherent dance class! This weekend I was so stressed and then I just went in, started and even the teachers wanted to learn how to salsa! The kids were practicing, even though we had moved on to another activity! I think I just needed one awkward first class to get me going. Then again, I learned a lot from MYO and I learned from my research yesterday morning.

Okay, so also, Harry – the guy at my internship who reminds me of Kyle – asked me if I was interested in being a part of an artistic thing about HIV and AIDS!!!!

So, while I hate to admit it, inspiration hit me during class today:

HIV
Affects you and me
It’s an ‘us’
Kind of problem
Why can’t they see?
Black, white,
Yellow, red,
Gay, straight
Bi or
Whatever
It’s affecting
Us all and
It could be
Forever.
If we don’t do something
Now to change it
Speak up, speak out, educate. Rearrange it.

***

So, I forgot to mention that during my rural homestay I worked in the fields. I ‘harvested’ as my grandma called it. It was really, really hard and really, really painful and really, really hot. I don’t think I ever thought it was easy and I’m pretty sure I knew I’d never be good at any kind of farming because I’m such a city girl...
HOWEVER
I realized why people used to sing in the south during slavery in the United States. Singing is probably the only way I’d ever get through a whole day of that kind of work. I think that’s what intrigues me about music – it’s what draws me to music. It has a healing power – a re-energizing power. It just has POWER. I love it.

What else I think is interesting is several people on our program have told me the one thing they really wish they could do is sing and I understand why, though I think anyone can sing (ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WITH PRACTICE)...but it’s the highest form of expression I think and I think we all have music within us. I think it’s the true voice of our inner selves. Think about it: the first thing a baby learned how to do is cry, neh? Crying is singing. It’s music without lyrics. It comes from the soul.

So...
Back to today.

I got to see Alvin again. YAY! I missed him. Then, this evening I went to a seder – at an orthodox temple!!! IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!!!

I thought it would make me really homesick but it actually made me so relieved to be around Jewish people again and have another common language besides English (Hebrew). I didn’t think about it before, but going with non-Jews made me realize just how much I really DO know about Judaism and how much Love I have for the customs and traditions.

We met this amazing couple from Israel who SO kindly showed us around and talked us through stuff. I even taught a little Hebrew to my friends!

One guy came up tome and said, “Are you Jewish?” I told him yes. He said, “I could tell.” And he was telling all the other guys (in Hebrew), “See? I told you, she’s Jewish.”For the first time someone knew. I’ve always had to explain the disconnect between the way I look and the culture I grew up with. “Well my mom’s Jewish, but my dad’s not and I take after his Irish looks, but he’s big on being educated about all kinds of religions, so I’ve kind of celebrated everything and...”

But this guy didn’t associate it with ‘race’ or any kind of looks, he just knew. He could feel that I was passionate about celebrating something that connected me strongly to home. I don’t celebrate because I look Jewish, I celebrate because I like being around friends and family – Jewish or not. I like sharing food, songs and laughter. I like to see how others react to the food and I even like cooking (sometimes). Somehow, he got that.

That made me feel good.

“All the Love. All the Light. All the God that’s within me.” –Sung by Rachel Hollander

So, as you can see...

“You know what's kind of wild, Holland? At this very crossroads of time and space, more than ever before, there are so many billions of people yearning to awaken and understand the truth about themselves, their divinity, and the magic.

You know what else is kind of wild? Just as this need arose, simultaneously, all over the world, there have appeared the greatest teachers, though in far smaller numbers, who have ever graced your plane. Those who are actually living these truths, leading with the example of their lives, and healing those in need through simple conversation.
Want to know what's even more unbelievable? That you sometimes consider yourself more of the student.
All bow!

Nope, don't worry, Holland, it hasn't affected your performance. You're already a legend.” –The Universe

So, as you can see, I've been a little down on myself recently. But I want to assure you it's not taking over, I'm not 'going down' as they say...I'm just...facing challenged that were bound to come up when there are more thin women in this program and I'm not one of them. I'm looking at issues that have plagued me forever and I think it will be the next step on my way to...um...the future? It's time to look this bugger in the face. Hopefully I can make that clear in my honors proposal and next year will be my big Moment of tackling it head-on.

Here's to the next step!
<3

A Little Bit Homesick

3/25/10

“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” – William Yeats

“...’cause we were born to Love and not to hate and we can teach the world it’s not too late” –VTCC

“You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better.” – Anonymous


Explaining this week is really hard and I understand that sucks for the majority of you out there who want to know all about everything that goes on in my life here. I mean, visiting MYO (Mondesa Youth Opportunities) was eye-opening, but visiting schools always is. I was inspired by the arts teacher and I wanted to bring him to NYC. I realized that, while the arts may not be taken so seriously in the states, they do have a place in society and there are plenty of job opportunities for a student who is studying The Arts (they’re just hard to get). Here, that’s not quite as true...and yet, this teacher understood how important arts education is. He continued to do what he knew and educate himself on what he Loved. I think that’s fantastic.

On other things...

I’m gonna go ahead and say that poetry will say it best, so let’s see how this goes...

SWAKOP
Sun, Sweat, Sweet
LOVE
Long, Living, Lingers
LAUGHTER
Liberating, Lonely, Light
SOMETHING
Strong, Similar, Stylish
BODY
Big, Beautiful, But...

No one
Nothing
Never
And
Knowing

You try as hard as you can
When you look in the mirror
To change it.
“If only...”
“Well maybe...”
and
“Next year...”
But...

And it affects your mind
infests you thoughts
a little here
a little there
and then it is a mind
set

A mind
Set
on destroying your happiness

A Mind
Set
With clouds and rain
And things that are unfamiliar.

You believe
You pray
You think
Positively
But...

But there’s this and there’s that there’s no looking it in the face.

SH! Don’t say it.
SH! Don’t believe it.
SH! It will go away
But...

Let's Forgive a Little, Shall We?

“Ï’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don’t Love me anymore” – India.Arie

Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.

Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?

Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.

Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.





In other news, Breathing is good.





“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.

Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...

...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe

Oo. It's getting a little sentimental in here...

Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: What the Fuck is my Life?

1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.

3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe


When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.

Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.

Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.

I saw the sunset and just lost it.

I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.

THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.

And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.

WHY?

Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!

I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”

Idunno.

It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.

I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.

Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.

I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.

"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.

It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.

So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe