[We can laugh at things now
the painful, the awful, the insecure.
We an laugh about it now.
Whether it took us 8 hours or 8 years to get over
Whether it was something big or something small
We can laugh about it all
We can laugh about it now.
There’s something to laughing
that makes us feel better
A jolly, breathy act of releasing
any unhappiness into the ether
We can laugh at things now
no matter what they were
and even if you’re still holding onto it
you’ll laugh if someone else does
cuz
We can laugh about it now.]
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
You have to climb the mountain to see the view
“You can’t take enough pictures and
you can’t write enough words and
you can’t get enough facebook friends to fight the fact that it’s over.
To combat the sadness that it’s over.” – Holland
“Here’s my advice to you…keep taking deep breaths and know that it IS going to be okay.” – Heather H.
June 1, 2010
Around midnite, Alaskan Time
Okay, here it comes kids. The Big Bad Entry about Missing.
Not adjective, not the state of being. The act of - the verb of - missing the nouns: people, places and things.
Usually, when I leave somewhere that’s not home, I don’t feel this ache, this desperate desire to run back. I’m not sure why it was AK. I mean, the timing is tough because I traveled up here at the end of a HUGE year. A year full of self-growth and all that that entails. I haven’t been home for a full month in about a year and all I can think on this plane is…I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna end this journey.
I can already hear that voice from inside the depths of my soul saying, “this journey is SO not over. Oh my Goddess, it’s SO just beginning.” Yeah, I know. But for one chapter to start, the older one has to end.
This chapter has been uproarious and also difficult. It’s pushed and pulled at everything I thought I was and also things I still am. It’s made me think. And rethink. And dismantle. And rethink again on my future as a part o the human population, as a girl really beginning to become an adult.
I Loved Alaska. I really did. The only reason I became sad there at times was because I couldn’t believe how immensely fortunate I was to be there, spending time with two amazing women.
For the first time in my entire life, I saw a city, or rather a town-like City, that I felt I could actually live in besides New York City, besides Manhattan, besides midtown.
For the first time I realized what it means to be mature beyond my years – hanging out with people in their 30s and 40s felt so easy and natural to me.
I’m missing AK.
I’m missing Africa.
I’m missing Prague.
I’m missing endless freedom and possibilities. I’m missing independence.
I’m Missing.
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” - Unknown
you can’t write enough words and
you can’t get enough facebook friends to fight the fact that it’s over.
To combat the sadness that it’s over.” – Holland
“Here’s my advice to you…keep taking deep breaths and know that it IS going to be okay.” – Heather H.
June 1, 2010
Around midnite, Alaskan Time
Okay, here it comes kids. The Big Bad Entry about Missing.
Not adjective, not the state of being. The act of - the verb of - missing the nouns: people, places and things.
Usually, when I leave somewhere that’s not home, I don’t feel this ache, this desperate desire to run back. I’m not sure why it was AK. I mean, the timing is tough because I traveled up here at the end of a HUGE year. A year full of self-growth and all that that entails. I haven’t been home for a full month in about a year and all I can think on this plane is…I don’t wanna go home. I don’t wanna end this journey.
I can already hear that voice from inside the depths of my soul saying, “this journey is SO not over. Oh my Goddess, it’s SO just beginning.” Yeah, I know. But for one chapter to start, the older one has to end.
This chapter has been uproarious and also difficult. It’s pushed and pulled at everything I thought I was and also things I still am. It’s made me think. And rethink. And dismantle. And rethink again on my future as a part o the human population, as a girl really beginning to become an adult.
I Loved Alaska. I really did. The only reason I became sad there at times was because I couldn’t believe how immensely fortunate I was to be there, spending time with two amazing women.
For the first time in my entire life, I saw a city, or rather a town-like City, that I felt I could actually live in besides New York City, besides Manhattan, besides midtown.
For the first time I realized what it means to be mature beyond my years – hanging out with people in their 30s and 40s felt so easy and natural to me.
I’m missing AK.
I’m missing Africa.
I’m missing Prague.
I’m missing endless freedom and possibilities. I’m missing independence.
I’m Missing.
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll still land among the stars.” - Unknown
You have the Privilege
You have the privilege
To walk down the street
Without being accosted by people
You don’t want attention from.
You have the right to
Walk the way you do
And talk your talk
Because of millions of WOMEN who have kept silent.
You can sit there and think that you’re doing everything right because some people are acting subordinately.
You are blind.
You think that you have the right
That it’s okay to look me in the face
And say that you don’t want to go.
You don’t want to be hit on.
Sure, I'm privileged too. I can hide. I can turn away. I can fake it till I make it.
I'm conscious of that.
Do you even think about
How many places only a select group of people can express themselves?
How many symbols of freedom are burned?
Do you know about the hatred, the isolation, the pain the raw and the ugly?
So as you sit there - privileged as you are - think about the fact that you don’t want to spend ONE night in a place that for ONE night will allow for a little balance in the world.
Remember that the next time someone asks you about
PRIVILEGE.
“Stagnant power, without motion, will never move mountains.” - HRH
“It’s sad
the situation is so bad
that when we meet
in this dark street
we size
each other up
with cautious, questioning eyes.” – Peter E. Clarke
To walk down the street
Without being accosted by people
You don’t want attention from.
You have the right to
Walk the way you do
And talk your talk
Because of millions of WOMEN who have kept silent.
You can sit there and think that you’re doing everything right because some people are acting subordinately.
You are blind.
You think that you have the right
That it’s okay to look me in the face
And say that you don’t want to go.
You don’t want to be hit on.
Sure, I'm privileged too. I can hide. I can turn away. I can fake it till I make it.
I'm conscious of that.
Do you even think about
How many places only a select group of people can express themselves?
How many symbols of freedom are burned?
Do you know about the hatred, the isolation, the pain the raw and the ugly?
So as you sit there - privileged as you are - think about the fact that you don’t want to spend ONE night in a place that for ONE night will allow for a little balance in the world.
Remember that the next time someone asks you about
PRIVILEGE.
“Stagnant power, without motion, will never move mountains.” - HRH
“It’s sad
the situation is so bad
that when we meet
in this dark street
we size
each other up
with cautious, questioning eyes.” – Peter E. Clarke
Learning is Learning.
5/3/10
I wonder why my trip to Terezin was so much different. In my mind, the layout is incredibly similar. I suppose there’s something about a guided tour with 25-some-odd other people and walking through something by yourself.
Plus, I don’t understand the Reconciliation.
Had I been a prisoner there, there would be no way I could ever come back here. I don’t understand how you can enter a place with such revolutionary fury, meet others with the same passion and come out forgiving those who put you there. I suppose it’s like the movies – with slightly less eloquent words. But I can’t understand how people come here with their Gucci bags and think, “I’m having an experience.” That’s not the way EXPERIENCES are made. That’s not what EXPERIENCES are about – that’s not how you change.
People were locked up here, 30 seconds from the coast – a coast that, from the other side is filled with city life – and they were told No. and thery were told Stop. And they were fenced in and held back and the most simple freedom of listening to the waves and getting inspired and Breathing for a couple minutes was taken away from them.
Talk about stress.
I wonder why my trip to Terezin was so much different. In my mind, the layout is incredibly similar. I suppose there’s something about a guided tour with 25-some-odd other people and walking through something by yourself.
Plus, I don’t understand the Reconciliation.
Had I been a prisoner there, there would be no way I could ever come back here. I don’t understand how you can enter a place with such revolutionary fury, meet others with the same passion and come out forgiving those who put you there. I suppose it’s like the movies – with slightly less eloquent words. But I can’t understand how people come here with their Gucci bags and think, “I’m having an experience.” That’s not the way EXPERIENCES are made. That’s not what EXPERIENCES are about – that’s not how you change.
People were locked up here, 30 seconds from the coast – a coast that, from the other side is filled with city life – and they were told No. and thery were told Stop. And they were fenced in and held back and the most simple freedom of listening to the waves and getting inspired and Breathing for a couple minutes was taken away from them.
Talk about stress.
There are seashells on Robben Island
“They sell tea and coffee for breaks and you can use the bathroom if you wish. Do not waste time, though. You only have five minutes” – Holland Hamilton
There are seashells on the ground at Robben Island
And the smells of fresh sea air waft through the open windows of our comfortable tour bus
We hear the comforting South African accent of our tour guide as we press our small flash buttons and our on/off switches.
To take pictures
of a graveyard.
A graveyard for people we will never know.
In the movies and on TV they make it look like there was color here
They bring out the sunlight and the thick black roads but
when you’re riding in a loud,
obnoxious
motorized vehicle
the sight of a cold, dark and lonely bed
and the yelling of someone else’s private tour guide telling you to get out
only inspires the tiniest spark of an idea
for a play
that’s probably already been written.
“Most people will find the following very hard to believe, Holland, but, there is nothing, ever, worth being unhappy about.
Because no matter what happens, it will add to you” - The Universe
There are seashells on the ground at Robben Island
And the smells of fresh sea air waft through the open windows of our comfortable tour bus
We hear the comforting South African accent of our tour guide as we press our small flash buttons and our on/off switches.
To take pictures
of a graveyard.
A graveyard for people we will never know.
In the movies and on TV they make it look like there was color here
They bring out the sunlight and the thick black roads but
when you’re riding in a loud,
obnoxious
motorized vehicle
the sight of a cold, dark and lonely bed
and the yelling of someone else’s private tour guide telling you to get out
only inspires the tiniest spark of an idea
for a play
that’s probably already been written.
“Most people will find the following very hard to believe, Holland, but, there is nothing, ever, worth being unhappy about.
Because no matter what happens, it will add to you” - The Universe
Surrender, yet prepare. Ask, yet expect. (Universe)
Remember: you’re in Africa. When you stop and take a breath, you can see the whole picture. – Holland
4/23/10
So, a year abroad. I’ve been to many places, I’ve met so many people, I’ve eaten foods that I never thought I would and I’ve experienced some amazing cultural things that I can’t even describe.
So, the question is: What am I going to do differently when I go home? Is anything going to change? Is a year long enough to do some good?
Well, now it’s a fantastic time for A. LIST!
Here are some of the things I want to do when I get back home:
KEEP UP THE CONFIDENCE
I may have gone up and down about weight and Love, but essentially, I kept Loving myself and kept giving myself the Benny 5. I allowed myself to get carried away and just push through the shitty times. My advice to myself is: know they won’t last forever. You don’t need to take every single thing anyone says to heart: remember to look at the underlying conditions and, most importantly, the things people say and who they are are two completely different things. If you can separate them and recognize ‘this person is making me feel this way right now but that doesn’t make them a terrible person and I have Love for them anyway’…if you can do that, your own self-confidence will grow and your Self-Love will grow.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYTHING YOU EAT OR DRINK
NYC is a metropolis. Millions of people live there and millions of people would kill to live there. Do not rush your food. Try new foods – EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don’t think that not eating meat should keep you from experiencing other cultures’ foods.
You are so lucky to have zillions of options for what to eat and you can choose to eat healthy or not, but either way – enjoy every single minute of your eating experience. DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.
TRAVEL!
Home will be there and will get even better every time you return. You’ve only got this time with these people in this specific life, so stop worrying about money and JUST. GO.
And. Get to know your own country! Yes, the world abroad is fascinating and many times completely different, but you’ve only been to about 10 or possibly less of the 50 states that YOU LIVE IN!!!!!
DON’T FORGET TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF. Today.
Not tomorrow. Not the next time you get a chance. TO.DAY.
“Once you see more, you can’t stop seeing more” – Linda Raven
"Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire" - William Yeats
4/23/10
So, a year abroad. I’ve been to many places, I’ve met so many people, I’ve eaten foods that I never thought I would and I’ve experienced some amazing cultural things that I can’t even describe.
So, the question is: What am I going to do differently when I go home? Is anything going to change? Is a year long enough to do some good?
Well, now it’s a fantastic time for A. LIST!
Here are some of the things I want to do when I get back home:
KEEP UP THE CONFIDENCE
I may have gone up and down about weight and Love, but essentially, I kept Loving myself and kept giving myself the Benny 5. I allowed myself to get carried away and just push through the shitty times. My advice to myself is: know they won’t last forever. You don’t need to take every single thing anyone says to heart: remember to look at the underlying conditions and, most importantly, the things people say and who they are are two completely different things. If you can separate them and recognize ‘this person is making me feel this way right now but that doesn’t make them a terrible person and I have Love for them anyway’…if you can do that, your own self-confidence will grow and your Self-Love will grow.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYTHING YOU EAT OR DRINK
NYC is a metropolis. Millions of people live there and millions of people would kill to live there. Do not rush your food. Try new foods – EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don’t think that not eating meat should keep you from experiencing other cultures’ foods.
You are so lucky to have zillions of options for what to eat and you can choose to eat healthy or not, but either way – enjoy every single minute of your eating experience. DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED.
TRAVEL!
Home will be there and will get even better every time you return. You’ve only got this time with these people in this specific life, so stop worrying about money and JUST. GO.
And. Get to know your own country! Yes, the world abroad is fascinating and many times completely different, but you’ve only been to about 10 or possibly less of the 50 states that YOU LIVE IN!!!!!
DON’T FORGET TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF. Today.
Not tomorrow. Not the next time you get a chance. TO.DAY.
“Once you see more, you can’t stop seeing more” – Linda Raven
"Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire" - William Yeats
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Rain That's Needed
"Be the Love, Holland, you wish to see in the world. Turn it up," - The Universe
"Sometimes rain that's needed falls" - The Weepies
4/23/10 Noonish, Habitat Place
So, a year abroad. I've been to so many places, I've met so many people, I've eaten foods that I never thought I would eat and I've expereienced some amazing cultural differences that have changed me in ways I can't even begin to describe.
So, the question is: what amI going to do differently when I go home? Is anything going to change? Is a year long enough to do some lasting good?
Well, now is a fantastic time for A. LIST!
Here are some of the things I want to do when I get back home:
KEEP UP THE CONFIDENCE
I may have gone up and down about weight and Love but essentially I kept loving myself, I kept giving myself the Benny 5, I kept trusting that I'd be all right - though, in all honesty I had to if I didn't want to spend thousands of dollars on an earlier flight home.
I allowed myself to get carried awayand just pushed thruthe shitty times. So, my advice to myself is as such: just know that shitty times won't last forever. Neither will good times.
I've learned that I don't need to take every single thing anyone says to heart and I've learned to look at the underlying conditions surrounding what they do chose to say. Most importantly: the things someone says and who they are as an individual are two completely different things. If you can separate them and recognize 'this person is making me feel this way right now but that doesn't make them a terrible person and I have Love for them anyway.' ...if you can do that your own self-confidene will grow and you will ahve more Love and Patience for yourself as well.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYTHING YOU EAT OR DRINK
NYC is a metropolis. Millions of people live there and millions would kill to live there. Do not rush your food. Try new foods - EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don't think that not eating meat should keep you from experiencing other cultures' foods.
You are so lucky to have zillions of options for what to eat and you can chose to eat healthy or not, but either way - enjoy every single minute of your eating experience. DO NOT TAKE FOOD OR DRINK FOR GRANTED.
TRAVEL!
Home will be there and will get even better every time you return. You've oinly got this time with these people in this specific life, so stop worrying about money and JUST. GO.
And: get to know your OWN DAMN COUNTRY. Yes, the world abroad is fascinating and many times completely different but you've only been to about 10 or possibly less of the states that YOU LIVE IN!
DON'T FORGET TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF. TODAY.
You Love doing things for other people. There's no denying that that's a good thing for them and for you. But please remember that 'you time' is not optional. It's not selfish, it's not bad and it doesn't have to be all the time. Just try to find one little thing every day that you can celebrate for yourself. Hell, celebrate yourself. Have a piece of pie, take a catnap, sing...just do something you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Once a day - it's just what the doctor ordered.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO EMBRACE YOUR WILDEST PASSIONS
Go to beauty school, make the movie you've always wanted to make about body image, spend 2 years at LLAMDA, get off your ass and DO something about not having ur driver's liscence, teach, go on auditions, direct even though it scares you, bartend because you know you want to, screw people who say waiting tables sucks do it because you love people, go to law school even if you think you're not smart enough or because you don't neccesarily want to be a lawyer, design clothing, drive a bus, DANCE...
You have so many different passions, and as this year has evidenced clearly, even if you're not sure you want to do it, the experience of doing it - even for a little while - can change. your. life.
This summer is officially the SUMMER OF SELF-LOVE. And after this year, I'm pretty sure I have the tools to finally work that LIKE. NO. OTHER!
"...if the big picture is rocking you, Holland, why make a fuss over a few splots? Splots is now a word. Literally, as in now now." - The Universe
"Sometimes rain that's needed falls" - The Weepies
4/23/10 Noonish, Habitat Place
So, a year abroad. I've been to so many places, I've met so many people, I've eaten foods that I never thought I would eat and I've expereienced some amazing cultural differences that have changed me in ways I can't even begin to describe.
So, the question is: what amI going to do differently when I go home? Is anything going to change? Is a year long enough to do some lasting good?
Well, now is a fantastic time for A. LIST!
Here are some of the things I want to do when I get back home:
KEEP UP THE CONFIDENCE
I may have gone up and down about weight and Love but essentially I kept loving myself, I kept giving myself the Benny 5, I kept trusting that I'd be all right - though, in all honesty I had to if I didn't want to spend thousands of dollars on an earlier flight home.
I allowed myself to get carried awayand just pushed thruthe shitty times. So, my advice to myself is as such: just know that shitty times won't last forever. Neither will good times.
I've learned that I don't need to take every single thing anyone says to heart and I've learned to look at the underlying conditions surrounding what they do chose to say. Most importantly: the things someone says and who they are as an individual are two completely different things. If you can separate them and recognize 'this person is making me feel this way right now but that doesn't make them a terrible person and I have Love for them anyway.' ...if you can do that your own self-confidene will grow and you will ahve more Love and Patience for yourself as well.
DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ANYTHING YOU EAT OR DRINK
NYC is a metropolis. Millions of people live there and millions would kill to live there. Do not rush your food. Try new foods - EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. Don't think that not eating meat should keep you from experiencing other cultures' foods.
You are so lucky to have zillions of options for what to eat and you can chose to eat healthy or not, but either way - enjoy every single minute of your eating experience. DO NOT TAKE FOOD OR DRINK FOR GRANTED.
TRAVEL!
Home will be there and will get even better every time you return. You've oinly got this time with these people in this specific life, so stop worrying about money and JUST. GO.
And: get to know your OWN DAMN COUNTRY. Yes, the world abroad is fascinating and many times completely different but you've only been to about 10 or possibly less of the states that YOU LIVE IN!
DON'T FORGET TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF. TODAY.
You Love doing things for other people. There's no denying that that's a good thing for them and for you. But please remember that 'you time' is not optional. It's not selfish, it's not bad and it doesn't have to be all the time. Just try to find one little thing every day that you can celebrate for yourself. Hell, celebrate yourself. Have a piece of pie, take a catnap, sing...just do something you enjoy and that makes you feel good. Once a day - it's just what the doctor ordered.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO EMBRACE YOUR WILDEST PASSIONS
Go to beauty school, make the movie you've always wanted to make about body image, spend 2 years at LLAMDA, get off your ass and DO something about not having ur driver's liscence, teach, go on auditions, direct even though it scares you, bartend because you know you want to, screw people who say waiting tables sucks do it because you love people, go to law school even if you think you're not smart enough or because you don't neccesarily want to be a lawyer, design clothing, drive a bus, DANCE...
You have so many different passions, and as this year has evidenced clearly, even if you're not sure you want to do it, the experience of doing it - even for a little while - can change. your. life.
This summer is officially the SUMMER OF SELF-LOVE. And after this year, I'm pretty sure I have the tools to finally work that LIKE. NO. OTHER!
"...if the big picture is rocking you, Holland, why make a fuss over a few splots? Splots is now a word. Literally, as in now now." - The Universe
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Behind the Music
"Every day I build a mask up to the task now there's no real me ..." -Passing Strange
Some people need to self-pity in public. It makes them feel better. I've never been one to cry in public. I think that by taking care of myself in private, I'm much stronger.
There's something to be said for that, I suppose.
I just think that I should trust people more. I eman, when I do open up I usually get a perspective I couldn't have thought of when I was just in my head. And even when it's uncomfy or I think I'm being patronized (or that I'm patronizing...or that
I'm acting like a child) I still usually learn something and if anything else, it makes me feel better.
And yet...
I can count on my hand how many people in this world have seen me REALYL cry - not just tear up or get kinda sad and walk away- snotridden, screaming and punching upset.
I know I'm just tired and I should go to bed but you know, it's troublesome that when my defenses are down my problems still include hating myself and wanting a sharp object. That's something I don't think I CAN talk about on this trip and I don't want to have to see a therapist my entire life...
What I didn't say was that I hide behind the music. I hide behind the character..."And I'm blessed to entertain The crowd laughs and swoonsIt's loud guitars and champagne And I sleep well past noon But I've got a lot to explain
To myself, not to you Like, who lost track of her pain While working their wound?"
-Passing Strange
And then there are days like today. I finish a paper, I have a FANTASTIC talk with someone I didn't know as well and I feel bloody fantastic. Okay, maybe I haven't showered in a little while and perhaps I'm ready to just fall into the pillow and sleep for 5 weeks...but...it's a balancing act, neh? It's moving from moment to moment and knowing that sadness is just as important as hapiness. There's something to be said for the fact that so many people see me as confident. I may not feel it, but I am who I am. I do fall asleep every night knowing that and maybe it's a good thing that people see that, rather than me having to fight to make them see that. Maybe I should just trust them...oooh buzz word...maybe the next challenge for me is Trust.
"So I finally found a home
Between the clicks a metronome
And the song, you see" - Passing Strange
Some people need to self-pity in public. It makes them feel better. I've never been one to cry in public. I think that by taking care of myself in private, I'm much stronger.
There's something to be said for that, I suppose.
I just think that I should trust people more. I eman, when I do open up I usually get a perspective I couldn't have thought of when I was just in my head. And even when it's uncomfy or I think I'm being patronized (or that I'm patronizing...or that
I'm acting like a child) I still usually learn something and if anything else, it makes me feel better.
And yet...
I can count on my hand how many people in this world have seen me REALYL cry - not just tear up or get kinda sad and walk away- snotridden, screaming and punching upset.
I know I'm just tired and I should go to bed but you know, it's troublesome that when my defenses are down my problems still include hating myself and wanting a sharp object. That's something I don't think I CAN talk about on this trip and I don't want to have to see a therapist my entire life...
What I didn't say was that I hide behind the music. I hide behind the character..."And I'm blessed to entertain The crowd laughs and swoonsIt's loud guitars and champagne And I sleep well past noon But I've got a lot to explain
To myself, not to you Like, who lost track of her pain While working their wound?"
-Passing Strange
And then there are days like today. I finish a paper, I have a FANTASTIC talk with someone I didn't know as well and I feel bloody fantastic. Okay, maybe I haven't showered in a little while and perhaps I'm ready to just fall into the pillow and sleep for 5 weeks...but...it's a balancing act, neh? It's moving from moment to moment and knowing that sadness is just as important as hapiness. There's something to be said for the fact that so many people see me as confident. I may not feel it, but I am who I am. I do fall asleep every night knowing that and maybe it's a good thing that people see that, rather than me having to fight to make them see that. Maybe I should just trust them...oooh buzz word...maybe the next challenge for me is Trust.
"So I finally found a home
Between the clicks a metronome
And the song, you see" - Passing Strange
Monday, April 12, 2010
Music
"YOUTH: You gotta fill the void with music
Fill the void with song
'Til my cup runneth over all night long
I live in vans crammed with guitars
I'll sleep on floors and play in bars
I dance to my own metronome
'Til chaos feels like home" -Passing Strange
"My music is where I want you to touch" -CSS
Okay, I've been skimping on my writing duties cuz, well I've been handing in lots of other writing (PS: I'm a Senior Intern @ Admissions and my Honors Project Application is in!)
It was when we went to the south and I sang with the kids there and sang with John (harmonizing on Amazing Grace) and when I sang When You Believe...Music is my Life. I Love to sing. I Love to dance. I Love to think I can play guirar and I adore good poetry. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad, I sing even when I don't want to because it puts good vibes into the Universe. The world is a song - it is Music in my mind.
Climbing Bersiba made me want to sing. Even though I got a massive sunburn, I adored every body aching minute.
"I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older
And keep fillin' my cup
I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older,
But I'll never grow up
And this is not a passing phase!
OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...
YOUTH:
No, this is not a passing phase!
OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...
YOUTH:
Up and down from town to town
'Til van wheels go 'round and 'round" -Passing Strange
I've never been any good at music theory, I can't sightsing, I'm no better than the girl next to me at harmonizing but when I sing, there's nothing I can't do. I know that things will be okay. I don't have to hurt myself (even writing this, I've realized that I need to shift my energy of self-injuring - emotional and otherwise - towards learning more about music, rather than transfering it to another form of self-deprecation).
When I sing, it's Home.
And maybe it's cuz my mom sang to me before birth, maybe it's because my dad has a passion for poetry, or maybe it's cuz of my family history or maybe it's just cuz I like attention (which I don't really, many more times than not...)...
...but it's my passion my calling, my vocation - if you wanna call it that. It's my soul, and it's what some others calla gift but I think the great thing is that everyone can sing. It's in all of us. I Love that people here see that. Africa is Rich with music history.
"NARRATOR:
Wish we could talk about how the means will not prepare you for the ends...
How your epiphanies become fair-weather friends...
How death will make you lower your defenses...
The only truth of youth is the grown-up consequences...
See, song is a bong,
But song cannot heal
You believed in it too long,
Now I need something more than real...
I need something more than real..." - Passing Strange
In other news...I do not want to be a sexual item anymore. I'm tired of people thinking I'm sexual because I ahve red hair. I'm tired of people telling me I can't possibly be happy with a woman (that she can't give me what I need) or that my sex with her is somehow less because it's not the 'right' way or whatever. I'm SO tired of people falling in Love with me after seconds of learning my name.
Then again...
I feel ugly if I'm passed over. I think I'm too fat if they don't want to dance with me. I think I've failed if they're NOT in Love with me.
And I mean, I think that's the thing about being a girl. There's a double desire. There's a lot going on. It's complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's my music. It's who I am.
"NARRATOR: Someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of,
Then you'll be out on your ass,
And cursing the last:
Your song is just passing for love
My song was just passing for love
And you will never see her again
And I will never see her again
And we will never see her again..." - Passing Strange
Fill the void with song
'Til my cup runneth over all night long
I live in vans crammed with guitars
I'll sleep on floors and play in bars
I dance to my own metronome
'Til chaos feels like home" -Passing Strange
"My music is where I want you to touch" -CSS
Okay, I've been skimping on my writing duties cuz, well I've been handing in lots of other writing (PS: I'm a Senior Intern @ Admissions and my Honors Project Application is in!)
It was when we went to the south and I sang with the kids there and sang with John (harmonizing on Amazing Grace) and when I sang When You Believe...Music is my Life. I Love to sing. I Love to dance. I Love to think I can play guirar and I adore good poetry. I sing when I'm happy, I sing when I'm sad, I sing even when I don't want to because it puts good vibes into the Universe. The world is a song - it is Music in my mind.
Climbing Bersiba made me want to sing. Even though I got a massive sunburn, I adored every body aching minute.
"I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older
And keep fillin' my cup
I grow colder,
I grow bolder,
I grow older,
But I'll never grow up
And this is not a passing phase!
OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...
YOUTH:
No, this is not a passing phase!
OTHERS:
It was just a passing phase...
YOUTH:
Up and down from town to town
'Til van wheels go 'round and 'round" -Passing Strange
I've never been any good at music theory, I can't sightsing, I'm no better than the girl next to me at harmonizing but when I sing, there's nothing I can't do. I know that things will be okay. I don't have to hurt myself (even writing this, I've realized that I need to shift my energy of self-injuring - emotional and otherwise - towards learning more about music, rather than transfering it to another form of self-deprecation).
When I sing, it's Home.
And maybe it's cuz my mom sang to me before birth, maybe it's because my dad has a passion for poetry, or maybe it's cuz of my family history or maybe it's just cuz I like attention (which I don't really, many more times than not...)...
...but it's my passion my calling, my vocation - if you wanna call it that. It's my soul, and it's what some others calla gift but I think the great thing is that everyone can sing. It's in all of us. I Love that people here see that. Africa is Rich with music history.
"NARRATOR:
Wish we could talk about how the means will not prepare you for the ends...
How your epiphanies become fair-weather friends...
How death will make you lower your defenses...
The only truth of youth is the grown-up consequences...
See, song is a bong,
But song cannot heal
You believed in it too long,
Now I need something more than real...
I need something more than real..." - Passing Strange
In other news...I do not want to be a sexual item anymore. I'm tired of people thinking I'm sexual because I ahve red hair. I'm tired of people telling me I can't possibly be happy with a woman (that she can't give me what I need) or that my sex with her is somehow less because it's not the 'right' way or whatever. I'm SO tired of people falling in Love with me after seconds of learning my name.
Then again...
I feel ugly if I'm passed over. I think I'm too fat if they don't want to dance with me. I think I've failed if they're NOT in Love with me.
And I mean, I think that's the thing about being a girl. There's a double desire. There's a lot going on. It's complicated. And I wouldn't have it any other way. That's my music. It's who I am.
"NARRATOR: Someday the chords of age will drown out the life you've been dreaming of,
Then you'll be out on your ass,
And cursing the last:
Your song is just passing for love
My song was just passing for love
And you will never see her again
And I will never see her again
And we will never see her again..." - Passing Strange
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Truth...as best as I can tell it.
3/30/10
“I release. I set it free. The good comes right back to me” - Sung by Rachel Hollander
Oh my god. OH MY GOD. So I did it. I taught a legitimate, coherent dance class! This weekend I was so stressed and then I just went in, started and even the teachers wanted to learn how to salsa! The kids were practicing, even though we had moved on to another activity! I think I just needed one awkward first class to get me going. Then again, I learned a lot from MYO and I learned from my research yesterday morning.
Okay, so also, Harry – the guy at my internship who reminds me of Kyle – asked me if I was interested in being a part of an artistic thing about HIV and AIDS!!!!
So, while I hate to admit it, inspiration hit me during class today:
HIV
Affects you and me
It’s an ‘us’
Kind of problem
Why can’t they see?
Black, white,
Yellow, red,
Gay, straight
Bi or
Whatever
It’s affecting
Us all and
It could be
Forever.
If we don’t do something
Now to change it
Speak up, speak out, educate. Rearrange it.
***
So, I forgot to mention that during my rural homestay I worked in the fields. I ‘harvested’ as my grandma called it. It was really, really hard and really, really painful and really, really hot. I don’t think I ever thought it was easy and I’m pretty sure I knew I’d never be good at any kind of farming because I’m such a city girl...
HOWEVER
I realized why people used to sing in the south during slavery in the United States. Singing is probably the only way I’d ever get through a whole day of that kind of work. I think that’s what intrigues me about music – it’s what draws me to music. It has a healing power – a re-energizing power. It just has POWER. I love it.
What else I think is interesting is several people on our program have told me the one thing they really wish they could do is sing and I understand why, though I think anyone can sing (ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WITH PRACTICE)...but it’s the highest form of expression I think and I think we all have music within us. I think it’s the true voice of our inner selves. Think about it: the first thing a baby learned how to do is cry, neh? Crying is singing. It’s music without lyrics. It comes from the soul.
So...
Back to today.
I got to see Alvin again. YAY! I missed him. Then, this evening I went to a seder – at an orthodox temple!!! IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!!!
I thought it would make me really homesick but it actually made me so relieved to be around Jewish people again and have another common language besides English (Hebrew). I didn’t think about it before, but going with non-Jews made me realize just how much I really DO know about Judaism and how much Love I have for the customs and traditions.
We met this amazing couple from Israel who SO kindly showed us around and talked us through stuff. I even taught a little Hebrew to my friends!
One guy came up tome and said, “Are you Jewish?” I told him yes. He said, “I could tell.” And he was telling all the other guys (in Hebrew), “See? I told you, she’s Jewish.”For the first time someone knew. I’ve always had to explain the disconnect between the way I look and the culture I grew up with. “Well my mom’s Jewish, but my dad’s not and I take after his Irish looks, but he’s big on being educated about all kinds of religions, so I’ve kind of celebrated everything and...”
But this guy didn’t associate it with ‘race’ or any kind of looks, he just knew. He could feel that I was passionate about celebrating something that connected me strongly to home. I don’t celebrate because I look Jewish, I celebrate because I like being around friends and family – Jewish or not. I like sharing food, songs and laughter. I like to see how others react to the food and I even like cooking (sometimes). Somehow, he got that.
That made me feel good.
“All the Love. All the Light. All the God that’s within me.” –Sung by Rachel Hollander
“I release. I set it free. The good comes right back to me” - Sung by Rachel Hollander
Oh my god. OH MY GOD. So I did it. I taught a legitimate, coherent dance class! This weekend I was so stressed and then I just went in, started and even the teachers wanted to learn how to salsa! The kids were practicing, even though we had moved on to another activity! I think I just needed one awkward first class to get me going. Then again, I learned a lot from MYO and I learned from my research yesterday morning.
Okay, so also, Harry – the guy at my internship who reminds me of Kyle – asked me if I was interested in being a part of an artistic thing about HIV and AIDS!!!!
So, while I hate to admit it, inspiration hit me during class today:
HIV
Affects you and me
It’s an ‘us’
Kind of problem
Why can’t they see?
Black, white,
Yellow, red,
Gay, straight
Bi or
Whatever
It’s affecting
Us all and
It could be
Forever.
If we don’t do something
Now to change it
Speak up, speak out, educate. Rearrange it.
***
So, I forgot to mention that during my rural homestay I worked in the fields. I ‘harvested’ as my grandma called it. It was really, really hard and really, really painful and really, really hot. I don’t think I ever thought it was easy and I’m pretty sure I knew I’d never be good at any kind of farming because I’m such a city girl...
HOWEVER
I realized why people used to sing in the south during slavery in the United States. Singing is probably the only way I’d ever get through a whole day of that kind of work. I think that’s what intrigues me about music – it’s what draws me to music. It has a healing power – a re-energizing power. It just has POWER. I love it.
What else I think is interesting is several people on our program have told me the one thing they really wish they could do is sing and I understand why, though I think anyone can sing (ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WITH PRACTICE)...but it’s the highest form of expression I think and I think we all have music within us. I think it’s the true voice of our inner selves. Think about it: the first thing a baby learned how to do is cry, neh? Crying is singing. It’s music without lyrics. It comes from the soul.
So...
Back to today.
I got to see Alvin again. YAY! I missed him. Then, this evening I went to a seder – at an orthodox temple!!! IT. WAS. AMAZING!!!!!
I thought it would make me really homesick but it actually made me so relieved to be around Jewish people again and have another common language besides English (Hebrew). I didn’t think about it before, but going with non-Jews made me realize just how much I really DO know about Judaism and how much Love I have for the customs and traditions.
We met this amazing couple from Israel who SO kindly showed us around and talked us through stuff. I even taught a little Hebrew to my friends!
One guy came up tome and said, “Are you Jewish?” I told him yes. He said, “I could tell.” And he was telling all the other guys (in Hebrew), “See? I told you, she’s Jewish.”For the first time someone knew. I’ve always had to explain the disconnect between the way I look and the culture I grew up with. “Well my mom’s Jewish, but my dad’s not and I take after his Irish looks, but he’s big on being educated about all kinds of religions, so I’ve kind of celebrated everything and...”
But this guy didn’t associate it with ‘race’ or any kind of looks, he just knew. He could feel that I was passionate about celebrating something that connected me strongly to home. I don’t celebrate because I look Jewish, I celebrate because I like being around friends and family – Jewish or not. I like sharing food, songs and laughter. I like to see how others react to the food and I even like cooking (sometimes). Somehow, he got that.
That made me feel good.
“All the Love. All the Light. All the God that’s within me.” –Sung by Rachel Hollander
Friday, March 26, 2010
So, as you can see...
“You know what's kind of wild, Holland? At this very crossroads of time and space, more than ever before, there are so many billions of people yearning to awaken and understand the truth about themselves, their divinity, and the magic.
You know what else is kind of wild? Just as this need arose, simultaneously, all over the world, there have appeared the greatest teachers, though in far smaller numbers, who have ever graced your plane. Those who are actually living these truths, leading with the example of their lives, and healing those in need through simple conversation.
Want to know what's even more unbelievable? That you sometimes consider yourself more of the student.
All bow!
Nope, don't worry, Holland, it hasn't affected your performance. You're already a legend.” –The Universe
So, as you can see, I've been a little down on myself recently. But I want to assure you it's not taking over, I'm not 'going down' as they say...I'm just...facing challenged that were bound to come up when there are more thin women in this program and I'm not one of them. I'm looking at issues that have plagued me forever and I think it will be the next step on my way to...um...the future? It's time to look this bugger in the face. Hopefully I can make that clear in my honors proposal and next year will be my big Moment of tackling it head-on.
Here's to the next step!
<3
You know what else is kind of wild? Just as this need arose, simultaneously, all over the world, there have appeared the greatest teachers, though in far smaller numbers, who have ever graced your plane. Those who are actually living these truths, leading with the example of their lives, and healing those in need through simple conversation.
Want to know what's even more unbelievable? That you sometimes consider yourself more of the student.
All bow!
Nope, don't worry, Holland, it hasn't affected your performance. You're already a legend.” –The Universe
So, as you can see, I've been a little down on myself recently. But I want to assure you it's not taking over, I'm not 'going down' as they say...I'm just...facing challenged that were bound to come up when there are more thin women in this program and I'm not one of them. I'm looking at issues that have plagued me forever and I think it will be the next step on my way to...um...the future? It's time to look this bugger in the face. Hopefully I can make that clear in my honors proposal and next year will be my big Moment of tackling it head-on.
Here's to the next step!
<3
A Little Bit Homesick
3/25/10
“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” – William Yeats
“...’cause we were born to Love and not to hate and we can teach the world it’s not too late” –VTCC
“You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better.” – Anonymous
Explaining this week is really hard and I understand that sucks for the majority of you out there who want to know all about everything that goes on in my life here. I mean, visiting MYO (Mondesa Youth Opportunities) was eye-opening, but visiting schools always is. I was inspired by the arts teacher and I wanted to bring him to NYC. I realized that, while the arts may not be taken so seriously in the states, they do have a place in society and there are plenty of job opportunities for a student who is studying The Arts (they’re just hard to get). Here, that’s not quite as true...and yet, this teacher understood how important arts education is. He continued to do what he knew and educate himself on what he Loved. I think that’s fantastic.
On other things...
I’m gonna go ahead and say that poetry will say it best, so let’s see how this goes...
SWAKOP
Sun, Sweat, Sweet
LOVE
Long, Living, Lingers
LAUGHTER
Liberating, Lonely, Light
SOMETHING
Strong, Similar, Stylish
BODY
Big, Beautiful, But...
No one
Nothing
Never
And
Knowing
You try as hard as you can
When you look in the mirror
To change it.
“If only...”
“Well maybe...”
and
“Next year...”
But...
And it affects your mind
infests you thoughts
a little here
a little there
and then it is a mind
set
A mind
Set
on destroying your happiness
A Mind
Set
With clouds and rain
And things that are unfamiliar.
You believe
You pray
You think
Positively
But...
But there’s this and there’s that there’s no looking it in the face.
SH! Don’t say it.
SH! Don’t believe it.
SH! It will go away
But...
“Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.” – William Yeats
“...’cause we were born to Love and not to hate and we can teach the world it’s not too late” –VTCC
“You can give up when something goes wrong, or you can let misfortune transform you into something better.” – Anonymous
Explaining this week is really hard and I understand that sucks for the majority of you out there who want to know all about everything that goes on in my life here. I mean, visiting MYO (Mondesa Youth Opportunities) was eye-opening, but visiting schools always is. I was inspired by the arts teacher and I wanted to bring him to NYC. I realized that, while the arts may not be taken so seriously in the states, they do have a place in society and there are plenty of job opportunities for a student who is studying The Arts (they’re just hard to get). Here, that’s not quite as true...and yet, this teacher understood how important arts education is. He continued to do what he knew and educate himself on what he Loved. I think that’s fantastic.
On other things...
I’m gonna go ahead and say that poetry will say it best, so let’s see how this goes...
SWAKOP
Sun, Sweat, Sweet
LOVE
Long, Living, Lingers
LAUGHTER
Liberating, Lonely, Light
SOMETHING
Strong, Similar, Stylish
BODY
Big, Beautiful, But...
No one
Nothing
Never
And
Knowing
You try as hard as you can
When you look in the mirror
To change it.
“If only...”
“Well maybe...”
and
“Next year...”
But...
And it affects your mind
infests you thoughts
a little here
a little there
and then it is a mind
set
A mind
Set
on destroying your happiness
A Mind
Set
With clouds and rain
And things that are unfamiliar.
You believe
You pray
You think
Positively
But...
But there’s this and there’s that there’s no looking it in the face.
SH! Don’t say it.
SH! Don’t believe it.
SH! It will go away
But...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Let's Forgive a Little, Shall We?
“Ï’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my heart is so shattered but I think it’s about forgiveness. Forgiveness. Even if, even if you don’t Love me anymore” – India.Arie
Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.
Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?
Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.
Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.
In other news, Breathing is good.
“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.
Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...
...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe
Okay. Okay. I’m doing the best I can. Reading over that last entry about the people at home reminded me that I do Love others and I do care for others, most likely with MORE intensity than I Love and care for myself.
Admitting the problem is the first step, neh?
Well, because I’ve been getting so tan (ooh la la!) I found some scars from high school near my ankle. I remember exactly when I did them too. I remember thinking about how leg scars wouldn’t be as noticeable. Now, looking at them I feel angry. I thought that the only scar leftover was the one on my right arm. It was the one that reminded me of what I didn’t want to do anymore. It reminded me of the 3 years I’ve committed. It reminded me that my work means something. And yet...it’s an addiction. The minute I saw those scars on my leg I remembered. It’s an addiction. I’m addicted to trying to get it ‘right’ – to be ‘perfect.’ I know it’s impossible and plenty of people have tried to reason me out of it. I just can’t help but want to be the perfectest person alive. On that note: sorry if my last post offended. Reading over it made me think it might...but I couldn’t help post it because it was a BIG part of the week.
Being tired and missing home can contribute to it, though. Getting sick because of the massive relaxation I allowed myself to have today can contribute, too. Realizing more than I ever wanted to know about myself and the inner workings of my mind can contribute, BIG TIME, to the desire to go back to ‘the way things were.’ It’s easy to be miserable. It’s happiness that really takes some work.
In other news, Breathing is good.
“As if the most accomplished among you didn't have their own piercing
doubts, fears, and worries; didn't have spells when they believed they
were inadequate, lost, and dependent; hadn't at times felt
downhearted, discouraged, and all alone in the world.
Yet still, Holland, you know their names.
It's like time and space were made for you...
...Please, Holland, think as highly of yourself as you possibly can.
Because no matter how high that is you will still undershoot the
truth... it's just a time-space thing.” -The Universe
Oo. It's getting a little sentimental in here...
Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: What the Fuck is my Life?
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.
3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe
When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.
Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.
Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.
I saw the sunset and just lost it.
I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.
THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.
And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.
WHY?
Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!
I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”
Idunno.
It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.
I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.
Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.
I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.
"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.
It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.
So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
6. Wear bug spray. Just do it.
3/16/10
“And while we’re at it, Holland, sometimes you have to let go, to stake your claim. Be still, to move forward. Give, to receive. Cry, to feel the joy. Pretend, to make it real. Fake it, before you make it. And sometimes, oddly enough, you must first decide to feel their love, to find it was their all along.” – The Universe
When we left our rural homestay, I couldn’t believe I missed my family so much. I couldn’t believe I said, “I’ll be back.” I couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying.
Being on the homestay had been awful, fantastic, uncomfortable and the best experience of the trip so far.
And yet.
I wasn’t crying.
Well, we saw Ruacana Falls, stayed in a guesthouse for a night, made it all the way to Opuwo, woke up, went to the Himba vVillage, walked through the Himba village an experienced a craft circle when it finally came crashing down.
I saw the sunset and just lost it.
I lost it because of the tourism. I lost it because I missed my rural homestay family. I lost it because of the children begging for water and money and jewellery...
But...
As I found out from talking to the trees and the grass and the cows and the sun...I lost it because of people back home. They are all just as smart as I am, some more so and yet money stops many of them from having an experience like this.
THEY DESERVE TO GO WHEREVER THEY WANT TO GO – COLLEGE OR OTHERWISE. THEY DESERVE TO MESS AROUND IN ACADEMIA FOR 4 YEARS.
And yet...here I am with my almost finished college degree in Theater and African American Studies watching the sunset in Northern Namibia. Me. Probably the least knowledgeable or booksmart human being on the face of the planet and I get grants and scholarships and parents who help me pay for school.
WHY?
Why is life so unfair? Why do I get to do this and the majority of students in the US doesn’t when most of them are just as smart, talented and fabulous? WHY ME?!?!?!
I spoke to a group of girls about it after and they were saying things like “At least you get to be here and see it and share it with people back home.”
Idunno.
It’s just...
I Love it here. It’s been my dream since ever and 2months have already flown by. I’m SO fortunate and I feel I’ve worked pretty hard for this.
I just wish my friends could be with me. I wish Kyle could be here. I wish Julia could be here. I wish JuKyHo could watch the sunset together and discuss the sociological effects of globalization and just be fabulous in Africa.
Not that they don’t have great opportunities on their own, in fact they’re doing really well (as far as I understand). To have friends like mine is a dream on it's own and I want to give back somehow. Presents just aren't enough to say 'thank you' to all the happiness they've brought me up until this moment and all the support they've given me that has helped me have this Moment. Right now. In Africa. My dream.
I want all the Love and Good Things in the world to come right to their front door. It's sounds corny but I really want all of my friends to have all their dreams come true and it frustrates me that I don't have the magic wand to make it happen...I think the only thing I can do is keep thinking good thoughts and affirm that some of their dreams have, in fact, already come true.
"What if, Holland, the coolest person on the planet didn't know they
were the coolest person on the planet? Just because of a few self
doubts, a few trace fears, or the occasional twang of inadequacy. Or
because they somehow thought fame, or wealth, or popularity mattered.
Or because they just didn't know the effect they had on others.
It would be a pity, huh? An absolute travesty. And of course, telling
them wouldn't achieve much because they'd never believe you. Never.
They'd be too modest to accept it. Too naïve to believe it. And too
cool to think it mattered.
So... well... ah... let's just leave it at that" -The Universe
Never Underestimate the Power of a Poop
That's right, folks. It's time to talk about it.
"When something difficult or painful happens, Holland, always look to
see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.
Everything makes you better" - The Universe
3/11/10
22:44 Rural Homestay time
Ok, I can now officially say, “When the going gets tough, the Holland gets tougher.”
I’ve been having a tough time with this homestay, right? I love my family SO much and I’m not cut out for this kind of life, which makes me sad because I’ve always thought I was the kind of person who could adapt: who could take on everything.
Well, I was beginning to think it was because of my weight and I was crabby and snappy to everyone, I was crying about missing home and I was utterly exhausted (sound familiar?) Well, this morning I decided I would full-on go for taking a shower. I’d wash my body, was my hair and brush my teeth.
IT.
WAS.
GLORIOUS.
I felt SO much better. Even Morgan said, “you look much happier today.”
Well, everything was going fine and I was LOVING the big tree we visited when the urge to the bathroom overtook me.
Um.
I wasn’t surprised when it was my period. I was just mad that I didn’t take the damn pads when I saw them this morning and thought, “Gee, I should really take those with me...just in case.”
So.
I went back to the house and got some pads and basically spent the afternoon with ‘my girls.’ I felt bad I didn’t cook like I was supposed to, but I got invited to Kelley’s house and well no one came to pick me up so I spent the time doing what I needed to do: not think about being female.
So, we went on this bathroom trek and I tried to flush out what had been stocked up from my period and from being to scared to use the outdoor bathroom with all it’s buggy and lizard friends (Basically, I had been irregular for 4 days).
I couldn’t.
When I got home my stomach was killing me. Not only was my body in dire need of draining fluids, but there was also a backup of poop pushing against the back of my bladder.
Ok, now I’m not gonna get into the details (Marina you can ask about it later) but afterwards, I felt SO. INCREDIBLY. RELIEVED.
It sounds silly because it’s about poop, but I conquered a real fear in that moment by adjusting a situation to fit what I needed to make happen.
It just felt like such a Moment...like an “I can do this” kind of moment. Like an “I am strong” kind of moment. Like an “I picked the Right Program” kind of Moment.
It felt good.
"When something difficult or painful happens, Holland, always look to
see what it makes possible that wouldn't have otherwise been possible.
Like a new adventure, a closer friendship, or chocolate in your peanut butter.
Everything makes you better" - The Universe
3/11/10
22:44 Rural Homestay time
Ok, I can now officially say, “When the going gets tough, the Holland gets tougher.”
I’ve been having a tough time with this homestay, right? I love my family SO much and I’m not cut out for this kind of life, which makes me sad because I’ve always thought I was the kind of person who could adapt: who could take on everything.
Well, I was beginning to think it was because of my weight and I was crabby and snappy to everyone, I was crying about missing home and I was utterly exhausted (sound familiar?) Well, this morning I decided I would full-on go for taking a shower. I’d wash my body, was my hair and brush my teeth.
IT.
WAS.
GLORIOUS.
I felt SO much better. Even Morgan said, “you look much happier today.”
Well, everything was going fine and I was LOVING the big tree we visited when the urge to the bathroom overtook me.
Um.
I wasn’t surprised when it was my period. I was just mad that I didn’t take the damn pads when I saw them this morning and thought, “Gee, I should really take those with me...just in case.”
So.
I went back to the house and got some pads and basically spent the afternoon with ‘my girls.’ I felt bad I didn’t cook like I was supposed to, but I got invited to Kelley’s house and well no one came to pick me up so I spent the time doing what I needed to do: not think about being female.
So, we went on this bathroom trek and I tried to flush out what had been stocked up from my period and from being to scared to use the outdoor bathroom with all it’s buggy and lizard friends (Basically, I had been irregular for 4 days).
I couldn’t.
When I got home my stomach was killing me. Not only was my body in dire need of draining fluids, but there was also a backup of poop pushing against the back of my bladder.
Ok, now I’m not gonna get into the details (Marina you can ask about it later) but afterwards, I felt SO. INCREDIBLY. RELIEVED.
It sounds silly because it’s about poop, but I conquered a real fear in that moment by adjusting a situation to fit what I needed to make happen.
It just felt like such a Moment...like an “I can do this” kind of moment. Like an “I am strong” kind of moment. Like an “I picked the Right Program” kind of Moment.
It felt good.
The Rural Homestay: Days 1 and 2, Synthesized
3/9/10 (Day 2)
22:41, Rural homestay time
“You say you want a revolution, well you know – we all wanna change the world...”
-The Beatles
I can’t tell what’s safe and what’s unsafe here. We’re supposed to feel a little out of our comfort zones and yet not feel threatened. Well...how does one tell the difference? I mean...I’m afraid to go to sleep because it’s a home that’s so incredibly and deeply different from mine (both in Windhoek and NYC): Is that uncomfortable or threatened? I never feel like any of my stuff is safe, but only because for the past month or so it’s been under lock and key and that’s not true here: is that uncomfortable or threatening? I don’t know how to make myself clear and I never know what’s going on: Uncomfy or threatening?
Because I can see both sides for all questions...and yet I’m laying here totally exhausted by thinking and trekking and talking and LISTENING and learning and loving and laughing and teaching (we did English today!) and on top of it all I haven’t been home for longer than a month in about oh, just about half a year. Now, that’s not 1 year or 5 years or 10 years...but ‘member that time when the longest I’d been truly away from them was like a month and a half? ‘Member how that time was RIGHT before I left for PRAGUE in the Fall?!
I’m in such an awful mood because of this too. I’m snapping at everyone like a snapping turtle. It could be cuz everyone else is like, “I wanna stay here forever” or it’s that time in the trip (month) when people start grating on you. Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be better.
"Did somebody sit her down and say Claudia, get ready, to leave behind everything you know? Everything I know. What do I know?" - In The Heights
22:41, Rural homestay time
“You say you want a revolution, well you know – we all wanna change the world...”
-The Beatles
I can’t tell what’s safe and what’s unsafe here. We’re supposed to feel a little out of our comfort zones and yet not feel threatened. Well...how does one tell the difference? I mean...I’m afraid to go to sleep because it’s a home that’s so incredibly and deeply different from mine (both in Windhoek and NYC): Is that uncomfortable or threatened? I never feel like any of my stuff is safe, but only because for the past month or so it’s been under lock and key and that’s not true here: is that uncomfortable or threatening? I don’t know how to make myself clear and I never know what’s going on: Uncomfy or threatening?
Because I can see both sides for all questions...and yet I’m laying here totally exhausted by thinking and trekking and talking and LISTENING and learning and loving and laughing and teaching (we did English today!) and on top of it all I haven’t been home for longer than a month in about oh, just about half a year. Now, that’s not 1 year or 5 years or 10 years...but ‘member that time when the longest I’d been truly away from them was like a month and a half? ‘Member how that time was RIGHT before I left for PRAGUE in the Fall?!
I’m in such an awful mood because of this too. I’m snapping at everyone like a snapping turtle. It could be cuz everyone else is like, “I wanna stay here forever” or it’s that time in the trip (month) when people start grating on you. Anyway, hoping tomorrow will be better.
"Did somebody sit her down and say Claudia, get ready, to leave behind everything you know? Everything I know. What do I know?" - In The Heights
Friday, March 5, 2010
Just a heads up...
For the next 3 weeks I will have very limited internet access. Sit tight: I will keep a journal. I will probs keep updating in the same fashion I have been on this blog (publish a WHOLE bunch at once!)
LOVE!
Holland
P.S. For those of you out there still 'staying tune; thanks for reading!!!!
LOVE!
Holland
P.S. For those of you out there still 'staying tune; thanks for reading!!!!
AIDS WALK NYC: Please please spon-sor-me!
Apparently, there are a lot of laws that aren’t being implemented. Children don’t know their rights, people with HIV or AIDs don’t know about their rights and they’re all being taken advantage of. Many are illiterate so when a doctor decides to ‘spay’ a woman who comes in for a normal test/procedure, he can sign away her right to have kids along with it.
The whites are now in the minority (though they’ve always been the numerical minority) and they’re ‘complaining’ that there aren’t enough of ‘them’ represented in parliament, or whatever. But they own the majority of the wealth and so they have power in that way. People are still cramped, there are no building codes and many children don’t have lights at night to do their homework.
I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. For the first time in my life, I wanna go back to class. I wanna go back to America where we’ve got problems of our own. I don’t want to try to fix these problems out here anymore. It’s not my place.
And that's only part of why this year I'm very excited and pleased to announce that I'm writing for donations via my school's computer IN AFRICA! Not to Brag, but IT'S PRETTY DARN COOL!!!!
We arrived first in Johannesburg, South Africa, about a month ago...I mean, a month and half ago now. Wow. Okay, so we arrived in Jo'burg in the middle of January and immediately learned about the concept of UBUNTU: I am a human being because of other human beings. I walk in the way of all of humanity: we are all human, we are all living on earth, we are all part of something we can't quite explain but we are here. At the Human Genom Sequencing Project (where I met Desmond Tutu; no big deal) they said we are all African but in fact we are all Pangean. Welcome Home.
To give you the short version of my trip so far (and you can catch up with us in detail at cgenamibia.blogspot.com or my personal blog, acrabgolfin.blogspot.com): I remember the way our homestay families took us in as one of their own, with no signs of bitterness or anger. I remember the smiles and hugs from staff and students that went along with homesickness, happiness and learning about some really complicated history. I remember climbing Dune 7 and then the next day quadbiking over the same terrain and being so proud of myself for continuing, even when I felt frustrated or scared. And I remember thinking, throughout all of it, "Wow. This year's AIDS Walk is going to be profoundly different."
As many of you know because of recent emails, I'm interning here in Namibia with an organization called OYO: Ombetja Yehinga Organization. That is the Otijherero term for "Red Ribbon." I'm splitting my time between them and the AIDS Care Trust in Katutura. They've appointed me as the head of a new project at ACT: I'm going to create an Arts section for their afterschool program in Katatura. Along with this, I'm doing research about the sucess of arts programs for OYO's funding. I've been trying to learn more about fundraising because I know it's something I'm going to have to get really good at if I'm going to work in public service jobs (which, let's face it, that's just where I'm headed). Aaaaaand on that note...!
Let's put UBUNTU into action. Let's raise more money than ever this year. Let's make a difference all together.
Follow This Link to visit my personal web page OR click on the link to our group page, THE WOODEN SHOE and support the WHOLE GROUP!
******************************************************************************
Some email systems do not support the use of links and therefore this link may not appear to work. If so, copy and paste the following into your browser:
http://aidswalknewyork2010.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=331281&u=331281-72256885&e=3194974263
******************************************************************************
Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk New York and for helping to put an end to this epidemic.
The whites are now in the minority (though they’ve always been the numerical minority) and they’re ‘complaining’ that there aren’t enough of ‘them’ represented in parliament, or whatever. But they own the majority of the wealth and so they have power in that way. People are still cramped, there are no building codes and many children don’t have lights at night to do their homework.
I don’t know what the right answer is. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. For the first time in my life, I wanna go back to class. I wanna go back to America where we’ve got problems of our own. I don’t want to try to fix these problems out here anymore. It’s not my place.
And that's only part of why this year I'm very excited and pleased to announce that I'm writing for donations via my school's computer IN AFRICA! Not to Brag, but IT'S PRETTY DARN COOL!!!!
We arrived first in Johannesburg, South Africa, about a month ago...I mean, a month and half ago now. Wow. Okay, so we arrived in Jo'burg in the middle of January and immediately learned about the concept of UBUNTU: I am a human being because of other human beings. I walk in the way of all of humanity: we are all human, we are all living on earth, we are all part of something we can't quite explain but we are here. At the Human Genom Sequencing Project (where I met Desmond Tutu; no big deal) they said we are all African but in fact we are all Pangean. Welcome Home.
To give you the short version of my trip so far (and you can catch up with us in detail at cgenamibia.blogspot.com or my personal blog, acrabgolfin.blogspot.com): I remember the way our homestay families took us in as one of their own, with no signs of bitterness or anger. I remember the smiles and hugs from staff and students that went along with homesickness, happiness and learning about some really complicated history. I remember climbing Dune 7 and then the next day quadbiking over the same terrain and being so proud of myself for continuing, even when I felt frustrated or scared. And I remember thinking, throughout all of it, "Wow. This year's AIDS Walk is going to be profoundly different."
As many of you know because of recent emails, I'm interning here in Namibia with an organization called OYO: Ombetja Yehinga Organization. That is the Otijherero term for "Red Ribbon." I'm splitting my time between them and the AIDS Care Trust in Katutura. They've appointed me as the head of a new project at ACT: I'm going to create an Arts section for their afterschool program in Katatura. Along with this, I'm doing research about the sucess of arts programs for OYO's funding. I've been trying to learn more about fundraising because I know it's something I'm going to have to get really good at if I'm going to work in public service jobs (which, let's face it, that's just where I'm headed). Aaaaaand on that note...!
Let's put UBUNTU into action. Let's raise more money than ever this year. Let's make a difference all together.
Follow This Link to visit my personal web page OR click on the link to our group page, THE WOODEN SHOE and support the WHOLE GROUP!
******************************************************************************
Some email systems do not support the use of links and therefore this link may not appear to work. If so, copy and paste the following into your browser:
http://aidswalknewyork2010.kintera.org/faf/r.asp?t=4&i=331281&u=331281-72256885&e=3194974263
******************************************************************************
Thank you for supporting AIDS Walk New York and for helping to put an end to this epidemic.
Someone up there must like me...
Lessons Learned from the Year Abroad: In the best possible sense of the question, What the Fuck is My Life?!?
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
3/4/10
When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher.
Well, when the going gets tough...I’ve notices...I want to run and hide.
Now, I haven’t this year. I really haven’t. As I’ve explained to multiple people this year, if I was afraid of challenges I wouldn’t be spending the whole year abroad – in TWO different places.
But, I’ve noticed that my absolute first instinct is to stop talking, shut down, cry in a dark place and try to smile about it afterwards.
Well, in a house of 17 people...that doesn’t really work. So, I’m...not running away. In fact, most of the time I run head first straight into the problem: the only way out is through. That’s a BIG lesson I’ve learned this year. The absolute ONLY way out is thru: one step at a time.
1. It takes energy to keep it positive so don’t expect everyone to do it.
2. My sexuality is mine and I don’t need to justify who I am
3. THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH
4. You don’t have to be nice all the time. It just doesn’t make sense to be mean.
5. IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF IT: DO IT.
3/4/10
When the going gets tough, the tough get tougher.
Well, when the going gets tough...I’ve notices...I want to run and hide.
Now, I haven’t this year. I really haven’t. As I’ve explained to multiple people this year, if I was afraid of challenges I wouldn’t be spending the whole year abroad – in TWO different places.
But, I’ve noticed that my absolute first instinct is to stop talking, shut down, cry in a dark place and try to smile about it afterwards.
Well, in a house of 17 people...that doesn’t really work. So, I’m...not running away. In fact, most of the time I run head first straight into the problem: the only way out is through. That’s a BIG lesson I’ve learned this year. The absolute ONLY way out is thru: one step at a time.
What a Weekend!
2/28/10
Okay. I don’t even know how to explain the Swakop weekend, so I’m just gonna start at the beginning.
The Beginning.
Okay.
So, we left on Wednesday. Um, I had just spoke to Laura on skype, which I loved but I realized it made me miss her more. Wednesday, I was barely ready and packed for leaving at 2pm. We start the drive and I’m almost sad to leave but I’m SO excited to go somewhere different!
We get there and immediately go to the beach which freaked me out because I LOVED it and I HATE beaches! It was a real beach though, with real sand and no glass or syringes. It was hard to explain to people who’d never been to Coney Island why I didn’t enjoy the beach so much.
We went out to dinner at this cute little place where we watched the sun go down and waited a long time for food. We wanted to drink wine on the beach but nothing was open by the time we left The Lighthouse. So we just went to the beach and hung out. I was still a little homesick over Laura and talked some peoples’ ears off about it.
The next morning we got an early start at 8am and went on a tour of the area as well as a couple of surrounding areas. We got to see the school named after our Politics professor, Urbanus B. Dax Primary School and had lunch there. We got to see Passat, our driver’s, house and that night we drank wine on the beach: BEST. IDEA. EVER.
Friday was a little later, 8:30am. The highlight of the speakrer, I think, were the people who showed us around the Fish Factory: hilarious women (one man)!!!!
Then.
We climbed.
DUNE 7.
Dune 7 is one of the highest sand dunes in the world. I didn’t think I was gonna make it to the top because as you climb sand, it comes back down on you. Well, I had a mini-breakdown (basically a little cry) over my body. I’ve definitely gained weight since I got here and I’m not eating as well as I should and we’ve barely had enough time to write our papers, let alone join a gym. So I sat on the top of the dune and cried about still hating my body, for still feeling last if I don’t deserve anyone or anything, all because I’m so incredibly fat (as if that matters to anyone or anything I want in my life!)
It was a good Moment, though, because it reminded me there’s still work to do and I have friends here who are willing and able to help me as I work on it!
Friday night we got Sushi and Cake and then went to bed.
SATURDAY!!!!
Ok, it started by getting up and going to DESERT EXPLORERS, where I QUADBIKED and SANDBOARDED. The quadbiking scared the crap out of me. The sandboarding scared me but it wasn’t as dangerous and I could take breaks in between as I climbed back up the dune to ride it down again. On the way back, we had to go fast because of what we were riding and I kept having trouble turning which kept scaring me and made out tour guide have to come back for me more than several times.
Finally, after almost crying and giving up (to which I said “No. Let’s keep going”), I realized that this was the Big Test of my confidence: “Don’t let the bike control you” our tour guide told me. This was the Moment – the crash course – of believing in myself and taking control of a situation that was overwhelming me. I stuck it out, the trail got a little easier and I screamed for Joy when we got back on the road to the Desert Explorers Headquarters. Had to buy the shirt. Had to get a beer with the crew after – the first sip was like heaven, like being reborn, like a whole new world, life being given to me. I was so happy to be alive.
We hung out at the beach after that, then we went to a restaurant for dinner, went out and partied as if we weren’t going home the next day.
YES YES YES! ASE! Oh baby bring it ALL to me!
Okay. I don’t even know how to explain the Swakop weekend, so I’m just gonna start at the beginning.
The Beginning.
Okay.
So, we left on Wednesday. Um, I had just spoke to Laura on skype, which I loved but I realized it made me miss her more. Wednesday, I was barely ready and packed for leaving at 2pm. We start the drive and I’m almost sad to leave but I’m SO excited to go somewhere different!
We get there and immediately go to the beach which freaked me out because I LOVED it and I HATE beaches! It was a real beach though, with real sand and no glass or syringes. It was hard to explain to people who’d never been to Coney Island why I didn’t enjoy the beach so much.
We went out to dinner at this cute little place where we watched the sun go down and waited a long time for food. We wanted to drink wine on the beach but nothing was open by the time we left The Lighthouse. So we just went to the beach and hung out. I was still a little homesick over Laura and talked some peoples’ ears off about it.
The next morning we got an early start at 8am and went on a tour of the area as well as a couple of surrounding areas. We got to see the school named after our Politics professor, Urbanus B. Dax Primary School and had lunch there. We got to see Passat, our driver’s, house and that night we drank wine on the beach: BEST. IDEA. EVER.
Friday was a little later, 8:30am. The highlight of the speakrer, I think, were the people who showed us around the Fish Factory: hilarious women (one man)!!!!
Then.
We climbed.
DUNE 7.
Dune 7 is one of the highest sand dunes in the world. I didn’t think I was gonna make it to the top because as you climb sand, it comes back down on you. Well, I had a mini-breakdown (basically a little cry) over my body. I’ve definitely gained weight since I got here and I’m not eating as well as I should and we’ve barely had enough time to write our papers, let alone join a gym. So I sat on the top of the dune and cried about still hating my body, for still feeling last if I don’t deserve anyone or anything, all because I’m so incredibly fat (as if that matters to anyone or anything I want in my life!)
It was a good Moment, though, because it reminded me there’s still work to do and I have friends here who are willing and able to help me as I work on it!
Friday night we got Sushi and Cake and then went to bed.
SATURDAY!!!!
Ok, it started by getting up and going to DESERT EXPLORERS, where I QUADBIKED and SANDBOARDED. The quadbiking scared the crap out of me. The sandboarding scared me but it wasn’t as dangerous and I could take breaks in between as I climbed back up the dune to ride it down again. On the way back, we had to go fast because of what we were riding and I kept having trouble turning which kept scaring me and made out tour guide have to come back for me more than several times.
Finally, after almost crying and giving up (to which I said “No. Let’s keep going”), I realized that this was the Big Test of my confidence: “Don’t let the bike control you” our tour guide told me. This was the Moment – the crash course – of believing in myself and taking control of a situation that was overwhelming me. I stuck it out, the trail got a little easier and I screamed for Joy when we got back on the road to the Desert Explorers Headquarters. Had to buy the shirt. Had to get a beer with the crew after – the first sip was like heaven, like being reborn, like a whole new world, life being given to me. I was so happy to be alive.
We hung out at the beach after that, then we went to a restaurant for dinner, went out and partied as if we weren’t going home the next day.
YES YES YES! ASE! Oh baby bring it ALL to me!
A Lil' Poetry
2/14/10
The choruses of “NARODNI TRIDA” still ring in my head. I wonder if “Ee-ya-ee-bumba-whey” will ring true this long.
The only thing now is truth. I have to be honest – to not be....
Last semester was a whirlwind of tears
This semester feels like it’s taken years
To get to.
And yet I’m still complaining
About this and that
Still looking in the mirror thinking
“God I look so fucking Fat.”
I’m still TALKING about the past. I still feel like it’s not
the Last.
I look at my future and I know what’s in store
But will it be amazing
Or will it be a bore?
[I’m still writing poetry a trait you might find
Comes naturally to people
Of my kind]
But I’m not so great at it
Like Hope or like Mina
It just is what it is
Writing verse is like ... eyugh!
It’s silly I know
To rhyme like I do
Aren’t I 20?
Isn’t it time for Anew?
Well I am in Africa.
That is a fact.
With a big sign saying
LOVE ME!
Displayed on my back.
I wish I knew the answer
I wish it were straight
But you know me
Always too many things on my plate.
The choruses of “NARODNI TRIDA” still ring in my head. I wonder if “Ee-ya-ee-bumba-whey” will ring true this long.
The only thing now is truth. I have to be honest – to not be....
Last semester was a whirlwind of tears
This semester feels like it’s taken years
To get to.
And yet I’m still complaining
About this and that
Still looking in the mirror thinking
“God I look so fucking Fat.”
I’m still TALKING about the past. I still feel like it’s not
the Last.
I look at my future and I know what’s in store
But will it be amazing
Or will it be a bore?
[I’m still writing poetry a trait you might find
Comes naturally to people
Of my kind]
But I’m not so great at it
Like Hope or like Mina
It just is what it is
Writing verse is like ... eyugh!
It’s silly I know
To rhyme like I do
Aren’t I 20?
Isn’t it time for Anew?
Well I am in Africa.
That is a fact.
With a big sign saying
LOVE ME!
Displayed on my back.
I wish I knew the answer
I wish it were straight
But you know me
Always too many things on my plate.
It's that time...
2/12/10
Thank the Lord and all the Spirits watching over me! I am not going crazy I just got my period!!!!!!!
It means so much more than getting my period because what it means is that this ssemester is ENTIRELY different than last semester. It means I’ve let go. It means no more 3-month stress gaps between periods! It means I’m Breathing. It means I’m Loving. It means I’m GROWING! I’m becoming a bigger, badder, more comfortable me!
There are no words to explain how happy this makes me.
Thank the Lord and all the Spirits watching over me! I am not going crazy I just got my period!!!!!!!
It means so much more than getting my period because what it means is that this ssemester is ENTIRELY different than last semester. It means I’ve let go. It means no more 3-month stress gaps between periods! It means I’m Breathing. It means I’m Loving. It means I’m GROWING! I’m becoming a bigger, badder, more comfortable me!
There are no words to explain how happy this makes me.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Learning a New Language
If you wanna keep up with my group on our shared blog, please do! cgenamibia.blogspot.com
[2/7/10]
Sundays are quiet. It’s like pulling the plug on a high-voltage lamp. The men all have soccer to attend to, but the women do laundry and clean and take naps before making dinner. Women still work, oh yes. But Sunday is quiet.
I’m learning so much about homestays on this homestay. I may not think I’m learning much by sitting in front of the TV eating dinner, but in fact I am having a much different experience than I would at home, at CGE or at Oberlin. So, essentially, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do. It just doesn’t feel that way.
Yesterday there was a baby shower and I felt out of place until Kristin (our intern) suggested I ask how to say “what is that?” Then the conversation really picked up. I thought, from last semester, that I’d be cool when everyone was speaking another language and yet I felt isolated and sad. They LOVE to share their language though and will tell me that, by the end of this week, I’ll know Afrikaans.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
It feels like I’m learning the language of the oppressor from people who have been oppressed and yet, they seem perfectly happy. They don’t feel segregated or hopeless or any of the things I’ve read that tell me what “coloreds” or Barstars feel. I’m wondering why they don’t have more to say on the subject, I’m wondering why they’re so proud of this language and I’m feeling very conflicted.
Yet...
When you think about it, English is an oppressive language. It’s one that has been used (now) for YEARS to ‘keep people together’ and yet all it does is push people away. If someone immigrates to the U.S. and doesn’t speak English they will feel ostracized and alone. They won’t be able to work or go to school until they learn basic terms. And yet, as an American College student I can go anywhere I choose, knowing that I can find at least one person in most countries/nations who speak English.
How ‘backwards’ is that?
So I suppose...it’s not...all that different.
That seems to be the theme this weekend. Many facets of Namibian life are very similar to American life, just...in Namibia.
They love soccer – we love football.
They like to watch TV – so do we.
They enjoy good food with a good chat - yup, same as us!
They have conceptions of how life is in the US – and we TOTALLY have conceptions (and many misconceptions) of how life is in Namibia and in Africa ‘at large.’
Speaking of which...our DEVELOPMENT class was very enlightening this week. I learned I know a lot more about development than I thought I did and I have a lot more opinions on it than I ever imagined. Namely, Development should be about empowerment. What I mean by that is, if one group comes into another group’s space to ‘develop,’ they should focus on empowering the people who live there: teach a man to fish...kind of deal. (P.S. Recently in that class I’ve found that I’m becoming a Radical. Like an Assata Shakur, Audre Lorde, Black Panther-type. It’s kinda freakin’ me out...but also really interesting)
I hope I can do that in my internship.
****
So, we arrived last Wednesday. On Saturday, we had guests from UNAM (University of Namibia) come and talk with us. We also met a local music artist named Pablo. He took us to a concert for Haiti that was AWESOME! Sam and I (Sam Ryan, yet another Sam in my life who loves to dance as much as I do!) got up and danced and of course, some guys were all up on our tail and this guy was all ‘let me take your picture’- apparently he was from the Youth League and it turns out we were on African television a couple nights later!!!
So basically we’re stars. No big.
Ok, so when we came back to hang out Pablo told me how well I danced – how I was a Dancer and I felt the music and I don’t dance like most girls like me...and I was shocked because people have been telling me that here a lot and I just immediately think of the Moment I found out about getting into DANCE 1 when the majority of my class were in at least dance 2, if not dance 3 and I was SO heartbroken and so ready to never EVER dance again and for a good year or so I refused to dance outside of Dance Class, even though I Loved to dance (and I always have)...I mean, it’s always been that way. I don’t like dance classes because I almost always feel that I can’t get the steps right or I’m sweating more than everyone else or whatever. I’ve had a couple of teachers who haven’t made me feel that way – Kaye, Wendy, Ms. Mehan, Aziza, and most recently, Tweety at Manhattan Plaza.
But...without their even knowing it...by hearing about my dancing and my body movement from people who are from where dancing was created, everything I’ve tried to explain to people in the past about my body image and relating to ideals that were not stereotypically my own and all the bullshit i get for liking men and women outside of my race and all the questions of WHY AFRICA? WHY YOU? WHY NOW?
It all just silenced. It was all quenched. It all made sense. Without even knowing me 24 hours, somehow people here ‘get’ that my body is connected to some force I can’t describe and that I’m in continual turmoil for have the urges I do as a white girl.
And yet, without discrimination, without hate or jealousy or passive aggression, they just dance with me. They just accept that this is who I am. I was born with the soul of someone different that who I look like on the outside. I’m not special. I’m just not the stereotype. I’m not anything that people would expect. I never have been and I never will be.
[2/7/10]
Sundays are quiet. It’s like pulling the plug on a high-voltage lamp. The men all have soccer to attend to, but the women do laundry and clean and take naps before making dinner. Women still work, oh yes. But Sunday is quiet.
I’m learning so much about homestays on this homestay. I may not think I’m learning much by sitting in front of the TV eating dinner, but in fact I am having a much different experience than I would at home, at CGE or at Oberlin. So, essentially, I’m doing exactly what I set out to do. It just doesn’t feel that way.
Yesterday there was a baby shower and I felt out of place until Kristin (our intern) suggested I ask how to say “what is that?” Then the conversation really picked up. I thought, from last semester, that I’d be cool when everyone was speaking another language and yet I felt isolated and sad. They LOVE to share their language though and will tell me that, by the end of this week, I’ll know Afrikaans.
I don’t know how I feel about that.
It feels like I’m learning the language of the oppressor from people who have been oppressed and yet, they seem perfectly happy. They don’t feel segregated or hopeless or any of the things I’ve read that tell me what “coloreds” or Barstars feel. I’m wondering why they don’t have more to say on the subject, I’m wondering why they’re so proud of this language and I’m feeling very conflicted.
Yet...
When you think about it, English is an oppressive language. It’s one that has been used (now) for YEARS to ‘keep people together’ and yet all it does is push people away. If someone immigrates to the U.S. and doesn’t speak English they will feel ostracized and alone. They won’t be able to work or go to school until they learn basic terms. And yet, as an American College student I can go anywhere I choose, knowing that I can find at least one person in most countries/nations who speak English.
How ‘backwards’ is that?
So I suppose...it’s not...all that different.
That seems to be the theme this weekend. Many facets of Namibian life are very similar to American life, just...in Namibia.
They love soccer – we love football.
They like to watch TV – so do we.
They enjoy good food with a good chat - yup, same as us!
They have conceptions of how life is in the US – and we TOTALLY have conceptions (and many misconceptions) of how life is in Namibia and in Africa ‘at large.’
Speaking of which...our DEVELOPMENT class was very enlightening this week. I learned I know a lot more about development than I thought I did and I have a lot more opinions on it than I ever imagined. Namely, Development should be about empowerment. What I mean by that is, if one group comes into another group’s space to ‘develop,’ they should focus on empowering the people who live there: teach a man to fish...kind of deal. (P.S. Recently in that class I’ve found that I’m becoming a Radical. Like an Assata Shakur, Audre Lorde, Black Panther-type. It’s kinda freakin’ me out...but also really interesting)
I hope I can do that in my internship.
****
So, we arrived last Wednesday. On Saturday, we had guests from UNAM (University of Namibia) come and talk with us. We also met a local music artist named Pablo. He took us to a concert for Haiti that was AWESOME! Sam and I (Sam Ryan, yet another Sam in my life who loves to dance as much as I do!) got up and danced and of course, some guys were all up on our tail and this guy was all ‘let me take your picture’- apparently he was from the Youth League and it turns out we were on African television a couple nights later!!!
So basically we’re stars. No big.
Ok, so when we came back to hang out Pablo told me how well I danced – how I was a Dancer and I felt the music and I don’t dance like most girls like me...and I was shocked because people have been telling me that here a lot and I just immediately think of the Moment I found out about getting into DANCE 1 when the majority of my class were in at least dance 2, if not dance 3 and I was SO heartbroken and so ready to never EVER dance again and for a good year or so I refused to dance outside of Dance Class, even though I Loved to dance (and I always have)...I mean, it’s always been that way. I don’t like dance classes because I almost always feel that I can’t get the steps right or I’m sweating more than everyone else or whatever. I’ve had a couple of teachers who haven’t made me feel that way – Kaye, Wendy, Ms. Mehan, Aziza, and most recently, Tweety at Manhattan Plaza.
But...without their even knowing it...by hearing about my dancing and my body movement from people who are from where dancing was created, everything I’ve tried to explain to people in the past about my body image and relating to ideals that were not stereotypically my own and all the bullshit i get for liking men and women outside of my race and all the questions of WHY AFRICA? WHY YOU? WHY NOW?
It all just silenced. It was all quenched. It all made sense. Without even knowing me 24 hours, somehow people here ‘get’ that my body is connected to some force I can’t describe and that I’m in continual turmoil for have the urges I do as a white girl.
And yet, without discrimination, without hate or jealousy or passive aggression, they just dance with me. They just accept that this is who I am. I was born with the soul of someone different that who I look like on the outside. I’m not special. I’m just not the stereotype. I’m not anything that people would expect. I never have been and I never will be.
VIRGO
"Your passions are slow to heat up but take forever to cool down" -Card about Virgos at the Voortrekker Monument Gift Store
1/28 and 1/29
So Many shacks, so much space: why do people think we can "own" land? It's SO vast and has SO many rules of its own (Hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, etc) Why can't we just live? Why do we divide things? "You think you own whatever land you land on..." I mean, I know it's corny, but it's SO true; especially here!
1/28/10
So we arrived in Windhoek yesterday and they promptly made us aware of all the billions of safety concerns we can have while we're here.
Saying Goodbye was hard. Right at the end of Jo'Burg I had a discussion with one of our drivers that made me fall in Love with the city even more than I already had. He explained that, in his experience, the husband builds the house but it's the wife/mom who really makes it a Home. Without his wife, he said, he doesn't feel the same. He can make himself food or watch some T.V., but it's not the same without her there. It was in this conversation I had mentiuoned I knew how much the homestay meant to the families and if the mom had been present during our stay, it might have been different.
Ugh.
I can't describe in words what the conversation was like, it just - it was like a bonding experience. We both just 'got'each other.
These words aren't right...it's really hard to explain how I felt in Jo'Burg. It was like Home. It was like I was meant to be there.
I just don't feel the same here in Namibia. I've only been here a day, but something feels so much different. Maybe I'm homesick, mabe I'm tired, maybe I'm dehydrated...it could be anything but I just don't feel as "at home" as I did in Jo'Burg, especially towards the people taking SO very good care of us.
(P.S. after about 2 weeks of being here now, I'm feeling much better. We're SO busy! I've met some AMAZING people here too, so don't you worry! Besides, I'll get to see a few people from Jo'Burg in Capetown, so YAY!)
1/28 and 1/29
So Many shacks, so much space: why do people think we can "own" land? It's SO vast and has SO many rules of its own (Hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, etc) Why can't we just live? Why do we divide things? "You think you own whatever land you land on..." I mean, I know it's corny, but it's SO true; especially here!
1/28/10
So we arrived in Windhoek yesterday and they promptly made us aware of all the billions of safety concerns we can have while we're here.
Saying Goodbye was hard. Right at the end of Jo'Burg I had a discussion with one of our drivers that made me fall in Love with the city even more than I already had. He explained that, in his experience, the husband builds the house but it's the wife/mom who really makes it a Home. Without his wife, he said, he doesn't feel the same. He can make himself food or watch some T.V., but it's not the same without her there. It was in this conversation I had mentiuoned I knew how much the homestay meant to the families and if the mom had been present during our stay, it might have been different.
Ugh.
I can't describe in words what the conversation was like, it just - it was like a bonding experience. We both just 'got'each other.
These words aren't right...it's really hard to explain how I felt in Jo'Burg. It was like Home. It was like I was meant to be there.
I just don't feel the same here in Namibia. I've only been here a day, but something feels so much different. Maybe I'm homesick, mabe I'm tired, maybe I'm dehydrated...it could be anything but I just don't feel as "at home" as I did in Jo'Burg, especially towards the people taking SO very good care of us.
(P.S. after about 2 weeks of being here now, I'm feeling much better. We're SO busy! I've met some AMAZING people here too, so don't you worry! Besides, I'll get to see a few people from Jo'Burg in Capetown, so YAY!)
Sawubona!
So, I forgot to mention CGE has it's own blog: http://cgenamibia.blogspot.com/
yay!
****
ZULU
SAWUBONA - Hello
YEBO - Response to "Hello"
UNJANI - How are you?
NGIYAPHILA - I'm fine
NGIYABONGA - thnak you
UBUYAPHI? - Where are you from?
NGIBUYA America - I'm from America
NAMI - Myself
It's weird to reread what I wrote about my homestay at this point because I'm actually in my seoncd homestay and the watch-TV-alot sort of lifestyle has become kind of comforting. What I've realized recently is that, no matter what, I AM in Africa and I AM experiencing something COMPLETELY new, even if it includes watching more TV than I do at home.
However, I think you should know about my Soweto (slash I was actually outside of Soweto) homestay, so here it goes:
The first night we ate and watched T.V. This morning (saturday morning), we went to a school to do a job that we couldn't quite understand from our host dad. We knew it included books and students. We took a car and a taxi to get there.
When we got there, it felt like chaos. One woman asked us to help but we had NO idea what was going on or what books anyone needed for any class. Beyond that, we don't really speak the language (ok, let's face it, we DON'T speak the language).
Oh, P.S. our first homestay was with two students instead of just one. That's why I keep saying "we."
Ok, so we picked it up pretty damn fast. I was really proud of us! It was a really rewarding experience that gave me a little bit of insight into the education system in Soweto, which is exactly what I wanna learn about.
When we got back, we had lunch and took a walk to the stadium. I asked a lot of questions cause that's what I'm good at! We hung out with our friends next door and we all went to Mandela's House, but it was a little too late for that afternoon.
Ups and downs. Ups and downs.
Tomorrow we're scheduled to go to Church and Mandela's House with the family next door.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Tomorrow will be Great.
1/24?/10
WHAT a difference a DAY makes! And what a differnece it ALWAYS makes.
I know Kristin's words would ring true, "No matter who you're with, the homestay is a great experience.
Positive thinking
Positive thinking
Positive thinking
POSITIVE THINKING!
So, today began with church, moved to Mandela's house, moved to two lunches, moved to meeting some friends down the street and ended with a barbeque (Braai) that I hope I'll never forget. We went over and played a little soccer, danced a little, ate a little, played their version of SPUD and then "knocked off" (ended) the game. We sat around talking and laughing and one woman saw me yawning and I rested my head on her shoulder to which she took my hand. It was a simple gesture, but it was the best metaphor for how I feel here: right at home. I feel like I Belong here. Like I've been here forever and the people here are so giving and loving and FUNNY (at least the people I've met)!
I don't want to idealize it but I know I'm not because up until today (of the weekend, at least) I felt so bothered by stuff. '
I think I'm getting better at teh positive thinking and I really think that's helping make this the experience I wanted it to be. I'm very happy tonire and I want to affirm that this will continue for a Long Time.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
(P.S. They gave US presents! Whoa!)
yay!
****
ZULU
SAWUBONA - Hello
YEBO - Response to "Hello"
UNJANI - How are you?
NGIYAPHILA - I'm fine
NGIYABONGA - thnak you
UBUYAPHI? - Where are you from?
NGIBUYA America - I'm from America
NAMI - Myself
It's weird to reread what I wrote about my homestay at this point because I'm actually in my seoncd homestay and the watch-TV-alot sort of lifestyle has become kind of comforting. What I've realized recently is that, no matter what, I AM in Africa and I AM experiencing something COMPLETELY new, even if it includes watching more TV than I do at home.
However, I think you should know about my Soweto (slash I was actually outside of Soweto) homestay, so here it goes:
The first night we ate and watched T.V. This morning (saturday morning), we went to a school to do a job that we couldn't quite understand from our host dad. We knew it included books and students. We took a car and a taxi to get there.
When we got there, it felt like chaos. One woman asked us to help but we had NO idea what was going on or what books anyone needed for any class. Beyond that, we don't really speak the language (ok, let's face it, we DON'T speak the language).
Oh, P.S. our first homestay was with two students instead of just one. That's why I keep saying "we."
Ok, so we picked it up pretty damn fast. I was really proud of us! It was a really rewarding experience that gave me a little bit of insight into the education system in Soweto, which is exactly what I wanna learn about.
When we got back, we had lunch and took a walk to the stadium. I asked a lot of questions cause that's what I'm good at! We hung out with our friends next door and we all went to Mandela's House, but it was a little too late for that afternoon.
Ups and downs. Ups and downs.
Tomorrow we're scheduled to go to Church and Mandela's House with the family next door.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. Tomorrow will be Great.
1/24?/10
WHAT a difference a DAY makes! And what a differnece it ALWAYS makes.
I know Kristin's words would ring true, "No matter who you're with, the homestay is a great experience.
Positive thinking
Positive thinking
Positive thinking
POSITIVE THINKING!
So, today began with church, moved to Mandela's house, moved to two lunches, moved to meeting some friends down the street and ended with a barbeque (Braai) that I hope I'll never forget. We went over and played a little soccer, danced a little, ate a little, played their version of SPUD and then "knocked off" (ended) the game. We sat around talking and laughing and one woman saw me yawning and I rested my head on her shoulder to which she took my hand. It was a simple gesture, but it was the best metaphor for how I feel here: right at home. I feel like I Belong here. Like I've been here forever and the people here are so giving and loving and FUNNY (at least the people I've met)!
I don't want to idealize it but I know I'm not because up until today (of the weekend, at least) I felt so bothered by stuff. '
I think I'm getting better at teh positive thinking and I really think that's helping make this the experience I wanted it to be. I'm very happy tonire and I want to affirm that this will continue for a Long Time.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
(P.S. They gave US presents! Whoa!)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
"Nothing About Us Without Us!"
This was the chant that minority groups (women, LGBTQ+ and disabled people) used to remind the Mandela Administration to be inclusive.
It makes me think that's the attitude I should take when battling issues of too much analyzation and trepidation.
1/17/10
Leading up to leaving, I would cry inexplicably and everything put me on-edge. I didn't want to pack and I certainly didn't want to leave.
FLASH FORWARD! (which is exactly what it felt like) I arrive at the airport in Washinton D.C., having spoke to everyone I needed to on the phone and having run into a Nigerian man who wished me luck - and I begin to meet the people on my trip. Only after, of course, I have a conversation with a South African man who asked me, "Have you considered our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Yum.
The people on our program are awesome. We got organized long before we arrived in Johannesburg and I think it's gonna be a semester to rememberon't want to get over-hyped because I know that that can have a 'crashing down' affect but in this moment I feel positive, happy and healthy. I'm nam-myoho-renge-kyo-ing that to the last.
1/21/10
*sigh* So I'm here. I'm having a great time. I'm loving everyone and yet I've still got this complex over what others think about me. It's not as bad as it used to be, but still.
*breath*
BUT The Apartheid Museum was great, there was a special exhibit on Mandela, I called my parents , I SANG and my voice is BACK!
I really feel like last semester was SUCH and AMAZING pre-req. to this semester. It has SO helped me to keep breatrhing here. I'm feeling so good here, kinda at the expense of last semester's emotional stability, but now I know that had I not done that, this semester would have been SO incredibly, deeply, passionately different.
"Dialogue should create and enhance value both globally and interpersonally." -HRH
It makes me think that's the attitude I should take when battling issues of too much analyzation and trepidation.
1/17/10
Leading up to leaving, I would cry inexplicably and everything put me on-edge. I didn't want to pack and I certainly didn't want to leave.
FLASH FORWARD! (which is exactly what it felt like) I arrive at the airport in Washinton D.C., having spoke to everyone I needed to on the phone and having run into a Nigerian man who wished me luck - and I begin to meet the people on my trip. Only after, of course, I have a conversation with a South African man who asked me, "Have you considered our lord, Jesus Christ?"
Yum.
The people on our program are awesome. We got organized long before we arrived in Johannesburg and I think it's gonna be a semester to rememberon't want to get over-hyped because I know that that can have a 'crashing down' affect but in this moment I feel positive, happy and healthy. I'm nam-myoho-renge-kyo-ing that to the last.
1/21/10
*sigh* So I'm here. I'm having a great time. I'm loving everyone and yet I've still got this complex over what others think about me. It's not as bad as it used to be, but still.
*breath*
BUT The Apartheid Museum was great, there was a special exhibit on Mandela, I called my parents , I SANG and my voice is BACK!
I really feel like last semester was SUCH and AMAZING pre-req. to this semester. It has SO helped me to keep breatrhing here. I'm feeling so good here, kinda at the expense of last semester's emotional stability, but now I know that had I not done that, this semester would have been SO incredibly, deeply, passionately different.
"Dialogue should create and enhance value both globally and interpersonally." -HRH
GET. INSPIRED.
"I will support my friend even if he has been deserted by the entire world" -Nelson Mandela
1/18/10 Hector Pieterson Museum
"How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel?"
I just don't understand how one group of people can hate another group of people so much as to do this kind of thing - harm and kill this many students?!?!
AND THEN PUT THEM TO TRIAL?!?!
I just don't understand. I don't get it. The trail of grass leading to the place where Hector was killed was probably the most powerful thing there. I wish I got a picture. *sigh*
Also, the windows were like the Holocaust Museum in NYC, but they were all over instead of just at the top. You were always aware of exactly where you are.
"The first thing is to be honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not changed yourself." -Nelson Mandela
1/19/10
We went to a HS today and toured. I learned the following:
-I wanna teach in Africa
-I am good at 'teaching'
-I can sing the National Anthem
- I got this idea while I was walking around form calss to class...I could get together some of my artistic friends and do an MCC-type program but in the schools. Then I thought I should definitely get in touch with Stephen DiMenna because that's exactly what he does!
I'm really, really passionate about young people. This keeps becoming more clear as I go thru my year abroad. It's been very long and while I'm travel weary, I'm Loving this! Whatever happens, I wan tot remember the absolute Love I felt being exactly where I wanted to be at exactly the right time in my life. We didn't spend enough time there and I hope in the future I can spend more time with African young people - they are my passion and that's what I wanna do in life. Bring the arts to youth. Inspire youth through the arts.
Ïf you are in harmony with yourself, you may meet a lion without fear because he respects anyone with self-confidence." -Nelson Mandela
1/20/10
I want to remember this moment forever. Sitting in "the van," windows wide open, hair blowing in the rain-saturated breeze. I feel beautiful, sustained and happy. Like I belong. I'm doing this. I'm actually doing this! My dream. Africa. Fulfilled. I want to remember this forever.
Seeing the show tonight made me miss the cast of In The Blood SO much! Call-and-response just isn't the same without them.
"As a leader I have always endeavoured to listen to what each and every person had to say in a discussion before venturing my own opinion." -Nelson Mandela
1/18/10 Hector Pieterson Museum
"How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel?"
I just don't understand how one group of people can hate another group of people so much as to do this kind of thing - harm and kill this many students?!?!
AND THEN PUT THEM TO TRIAL?!?!
I just don't understand. I don't get it. The trail of grass leading to the place where Hector was killed was probably the most powerful thing there. I wish I got a picture. *sigh*
Also, the windows were like the Holocaust Museum in NYC, but they were all over instead of just at the top. You were always aware of exactly where you are.
"The first thing is to be honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not changed yourself." -Nelson Mandela
1/19/10
We went to a HS today and toured. I learned the following:
-I wanna teach in Africa
-I am good at 'teaching'
-I can sing the National Anthem
- I got this idea while I was walking around form calss to class...I could get together some of my artistic friends and do an MCC-type program but in the schools. Then I thought I should definitely get in touch with Stephen DiMenna because that's exactly what he does!
I'm really, really passionate about young people. This keeps becoming more clear as I go thru my year abroad. It's been very long and while I'm travel weary, I'm Loving this! Whatever happens, I wan tot remember the absolute Love I felt being exactly where I wanted to be at exactly the right time in my life. We didn't spend enough time there and I hope in the future I can spend more time with African young people - they are my passion and that's what I wanna do in life. Bring the arts to youth. Inspire youth through the arts.
Ïf you are in harmony with yourself, you may meet a lion without fear because he respects anyone with self-confidence." -Nelson Mandela
1/20/10
I want to remember this moment forever. Sitting in "the van," windows wide open, hair blowing in the rain-saturated breeze. I feel beautiful, sustained and happy. Like I belong. I'm doing this. I'm actually doing this! My dream. Africa. Fulfilled. I want to remember this forever.
Seeing the show tonight made me miss the cast of In The Blood SO much! Call-and-response just isn't the same without them.
"As a leader I have always endeavoured to listen to what each and every person had to say in a discussion before venturing my own opinion." -Nelson Mandela
Monday, February 1, 2010
A Crab Golfin'
"All right. The panic receeds. All right. Everyone bleeds...and nobody needs to know." - The Last Five Years
"And he're I stand. Yes indeed. And there is no way I would rather be...Oh it may be weary but it's less of climb if I just take life one step at a time and maybe later I can dance with band but here I stand. Yes here I stand. And if you need a helping hand; here I stand! Here I stand!" - Anita Hollander
Did you know that the letters within "African Blog" can create the anagram, "A Crab Golfin?" I like it.
So, we got here a bout two weeks ago and I've got MAD much to catch you up on. I've been keeping a journal, so here we go:
1/17/10
"Dialogue should (seek to) create and enhance Value both Globally and Interpersonally" -Holland Hamilton
This is my travel journal. I'm going to try to take it around with me so I can write down things to remember. Tomorrow we go to Soweto. I think now is a good time to answer these questions from CGE's manual.
WHY AM I TAKING THIS JOURNEY?
God, people kept asking me this over and over and over and over until I didn't know what to say anymore. I feel a connection to africa. I believe marginalized people should help fellow marginalized individuals. I believe human beings should care for every other human as they would a family member and my feeling os wanting to help has pushed me to this area of the world. I want to find a way to make peace: one person at a time.
NOTE FROM THE PRESENT (Feb 1st, 2010): We learned from our stay in Johannesburg the term UBUNTU means "I am a human being because of other human beings." It's almost exactly what I had written this first day.
WHAT AM I ANTICIPATING MOST ABOUT THIS PROGRAM?
Learning from the source, learnign more about myself, loving myself more so I can share the Love with others, finding ways to communicate better, finding way to bring peace.
1/18/10
Can't sleep. Gonna write some more. Happy MLK day!
WHAT ARE MY FEARS ABOUT THE UPCOMING SEMESTER?
Well, as always, I'm afraid I won't make any friends. I fear mugging and street crime will keep me from feeling safe and confident. I fear I may become ull. I don't want to give too much power to these things though, because then I fear they may happen!
WHAT ARE MY KEY QUESTIONS?
How can I help? What's the best way to help? How can I use whast I learn here in my theater world?
How can I become a more confident me while I'm here?
What are some of the main conflicts going on right now in SA? What solutions are being formed/put into place?
WHEN DID I HAVE AN EXPERIENCE IN THE PAST WHEN I TOOK A SIMILAR JOURNEY?
Well, Prague was similar, but only because it was my first study away program. I think this semester is a little different because SA, particularly Soweto,mean a lot to me. I suppose Israel was most similar. I went to have a spiritual awakening and I came back with a broader view on the conflict there.
WHAT WAS THE EFFECT OF THAT EXPERIENCE ON MY LIFE?
Prague completely changed me. I feel like I became more independent, more confident, more forgiving of others and especially more forgiving of myself.
WHAT DOES THAT EXPERIENCE TELL ME ABOUT PREPARING FOR AND EXPERIENCING THE UPCOMING SEMESTER?
Open mind, open hear, city streets...my dad said as I left. I want to keep myself open, both emotionally and mentally, to what occurs and what I hear/see/taste/smell/feel. I also want to keep in mind my 'city background and know what something feels too sketchy, too uncomfy and ultimately, too unsafe.
1/21/10
WHAT CHARACTERISTICS ABOUT ME WILL HELP ME MAKE THE MOST OF THIS NEW EXPERIENCE?
I'm honest, patient, outgoing (mostly), happy (positive), helpful, and joyful. My most important characteristic is Joy. I spread Joy. Chava Br'cha.
WHAT ARE MY HOPES FOR THE WORLD?
Kind of a kitchy question, but I have a kitchy answer. I really do want peace. I want everyone to share in a common desire to Love one another unconditionally because we only have so much time here. Why waste it hating people?
WHO ARE SOME OF THE PEOPLE IO WISH COULD ACCOMPANY MYE ON THIS PROGRAM? HAVE I TOLD THEM? WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS THEY CAN ACCOMPANY ME?
Laura, Kia, Heather, Kyla, mom, dad, Sam, Mina, Julia, Hope, Dan, Shey, KYLE. And yes, I've told them I wanna pack them all in my suitcase. But I really think this journey is for me and knowing they're out there supporting me every step of the way makes me feel like they're here with me. Updating them also helps: writing what reminded me of them helps!
HOW CAN SOME OF THE STUDENTS WITH WHOM I WILL BE TRAVELING BE HELPFUL TO ME THIS SEMESTER?
I have a lot to learn when it comes to friendships and jealousy. I would say "bring it on,"but I don't want to break down. I think the way they can help me is by pushing a little and then letting me breath, pushing a little then let me breath.
This doesn't seem realistic, but I hope that I can find opportunities in others and work thru the things that bother me while asking others for the help that I need *sigh*
"And he're I stand. Yes indeed. And there is no way I would rather be...Oh it may be weary but it's less of climb if I just take life one step at a time and maybe later I can dance with band but here I stand. Yes here I stand. And if you need a helping hand; here I stand! Here I stand!" - Anita Hollander
Did you know that the letters within "African Blog" can create the anagram, "A Crab Golfin?" I like it.
So, we got here a bout two weeks ago and I've got MAD much to catch you up on. I've been keeping a journal, so here we go:
1/17/10
"Dialogue should (seek to) create and enhance Value both Globally and Interpersonally" -Holland Hamilton
This is my travel journal. I'm going to try to take it around with me so I can write down things to remember. Tomorrow we go to Soweto. I think now is a good time to answer these questions from CGE's manual.
WHY AM I TAKING THIS JOURNEY?
God, people kept asking me this over and over and over and over until I didn't know what to say anymore. I feel a connection to africa. I believe marginalized people should help fellow marginalized individuals. I believe human beings should care for every other human as they would a family member and my feeling os wanting to help has pushed me to this area of the world. I want to find a way to make peace: one person at a time.
NOTE FROM THE PRESENT (Feb 1st, 2010): We learned from our stay in Johannesburg the term UBUNTU means "I am a human being because of other human beings." It's almost exactly what I had written this first day.
WHAT AM I ANTICIPATING MOST ABOUT THIS PROGRAM?
Learning from the source, learnign more about myself, loving myself more so I can share the Love with others, finding ways to communicate better, finding way to bring peace.
1/18/10
Can't sleep. Gonna write some more. Happy MLK day!
WHAT ARE MY FEARS ABOUT THE UPCOMING SEMESTER?
Well, as always, I'm afraid I won't make any friends. I fear mugging and street crime will keep me from feeling safe and confident. I fear I may become ull. I don't want to give too much power to these things though, because then I fear they may happen!
WHAT ARE MY KEY QUESTIONS?
How can I help? What's the best way to help? How can I use whast I learn here in my theater world?
How can I become a more confident me while I'm here?
What are some of the main conflicts going on right now in SA? What solutions are being formed/put into place?
WHEN DID I HAVE AN EXPERIENCE IN THE PAST WHEN I TOOK A SIMILAR JOURNEY?
Well, Prague was similar, but only because it was my first study away program. I think this semester is a little different because SA, particularly Soweto,mean a lot to me. I suppose Israel was most similar. I went to have a spiritual awakening and I came back with a broader view on the conflict there.
WHAT WAS THE EFFECT OF THAT EXPERIENCE ON MY LIFE?
Prague completely changed me. I feel like I became more independent, more confident, more forgiving of others and especially more forgiving of myself.
WHAT DOES THAT EXPERIENCE TELL ME ABOUT PREPARING FOR AND EXPERIENCING THE UPCOMING SEMESTER?
Open mind, open hear, city streets...my dad said as I left. I want to keep myself open, both emotionally and mentally, to what occurs and what I hear/see/taste/smell/feel. I also want to keep in mind my 'city background and know what something feels too sketchy, too uncomfy and ultimately, too unsafe.
1/21/10
WHAT CHARACTERISTICS ABOUT ME WILL HELP ME MAKE THE MOST OF THIS NEW EXPERIENCE?
I'm honest, patient, outgoing (mostly), happy (positive), helpful, and joyful. My most important characteristic is Joy. I spread Joy. Chava Br'cha.
WHAT ARE MY HOPES FOR THE WORLD?
Kind of a kitchy question, but I have a kitchy answer. I really do want peace. I want everyone to share in a common desire to Love one another unconditionally because we only have so much time here. Why waste it hating people?
WHO ARE SOME OF THE PEOPLE IO WISH COULD ACCOMPANY MYE ON THIS PROGRAM? HAVE I TOLD THEM? WHAT ARE SOME OF THE WAYS THEY CAN ACCOMPANY ME?
Laura, Kia, Heather, Kyla, mom, dad, Sam, Mina, Julia, Hope, Dan, Shey, KYLE. And yes, I've told them I wanna pack them all in my suitcase. But I really think this journey is for me and knowing they're out there supporting me every step of the way makes me feel like they're here with me. Updating them also helps: writing what reminded me of them helps!
HOW CAN SOME OF THE STUDENTS WITH WHOM I WILL BE TRAVELING BE HELPFUL TO ME THIS SEMESTER?
I have a lot to learn when it comes to friendships and jealousy. I would say "bring it on,"but I don't want to break down. I think the way they can help me is by pushing a little and then letting me breath, pushing a little then let me breath.
This doesn't seem realistic, but I hope that I can find opportunities in others and work thru the things that bother me while asking others for the help that I need *sigh*
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